Thursday, July 23, 2009

Your Prattling Bores Me

BNFOS proudly (okay, not really) debuts a new feature:



My elderly parents are a growing concern for my husband and me. Two years ago, my mother fell and broke her hip while alone in the house and last fall my father didn’t brake the car in time and drove into the garage door. We’ve talked to them about moving into an assisted living facility but they are extremely resistant to that idea. What should we do about my folks?

Signed, Concerned for Parents in New Jersey

Dear Concerned,

You should eliminate your “folks” with a high intensity radiation burst, such as you’d find in your average Thorellian Blaster. If such a blaster is not available in your area, you can always push their car over a cliff (remember: make sure the gas tank is full before doing so). Or, you can just sit back and watch as our Kerzarrian Death Beams obliterate the East Coast of the United States. Let me double check…yes, New Jersey is RIGHT UP THERE on the list.


My girlfriend and I have been going out for 6 months now, and we haven’t had sex. We’ve done everything else but for some reason she doesn’t want to go all the way. She says she loves me, but she wants to wait until it feels right. Should I dump her?

Signed, Desperate for More in Texas

Dear Desperate,

You should eliminate your girlfriend with a high intensity radiation burst, such as you’d find in your average Ytullrian lazer pistol. If she won’t breed with you – and you being a weak, pink-hued human, why the hell would she? – you should take the hint and, as they say, Keep on Truckin’ on down the road until you find a human female who will breed with you. Might we recommend the bar at your neighborhood Applebees?


I am getting nowhere in my present job (I am a human resources manager). My boss grates on my nerves. Should I confront him about it, or just tough it out. Or should I look for a job at another company?

Signed, Spinning Wheels in North Dakota

Dear Spinning,

You should eliminate your boss with a high intensity radiation burst, such as you'd find in your average S'ronniton phase gun. Stagnation in your work leads to a shoddy job (believe me, if I do a crappy job, the body count SUFFERS). Have you considered night classes at the local community college? Once you beef up your resume with additional training (in my case, certification on FOUR types of Lethal Death Rays) you can look elsewhere for another job with a greater chance of success. Best of luck before we destroy your pathetic world in the near future.


  1. Thanks, Project Savior. Laughs are what we mine on the dark side of the moon, and then we present them to you, the reader, to enjoy.