Game OVER

Gamer (2009)

Three minutes. That’s all it took. Three minutes into this movie and I knew I HATED this fucker.

Here’s why: writer/directors Neveldine/Taylor are the Anti-Christs of Cinema (Michael Bay, you are off the hook, sir). Their entire movie output - Crank, Crank 2: High Voltage and now Gamer - are all loud, violent, spastic, stupid affairs. They specialize in viewer rape.

Neveldine/Taylor came out of music videos and they literally are now making 90 to 100 minute long music videos. The problem is you can take 3 ½ minutes of the usual music video nonsense of swooping, circling, diving, shaky camerawork and split-second editing (labeled appropriately enough by Roger Ebert as “baffling editing”) with no story, but 100 minutes is a fucking eternity. Especially when that “style” is coupled to their usual weak-ass writing, in this case a lazy rip-off of The Running Man and Death Race 2000, but without the flair and out-sized characters of the former and the satire and ingenuity of the latter. All funneled through a video game sensibility.

Gerard Butler is a convicted murderer and if he can make it through 30 episodes of the world’s most popular game, Slayers, he wins his freedom. He and the other “contestants” are controlled by players unseen by them, so while it may seem like a very realistic video game to the players, the bullets are very real to Butler and the other game participants.

There is one decent idea buried under all the blood and bullet cartridges. A new technology involving nanites, nanex, enables one person to literally control another. And just like in that terrible movie Surrogates, there’s a scene of a fat dude (Jabba the Hutt fat; gross and sweaty) controlling a woman, in this case the lovely Amber Valletta, who plays Gerard Butler’s wife; she works as an “actress” in Society, the real-life “simulation game” of the film.

Michael C. Hall of Dexter fame plays the unscrupulous inventor of nanexes, a man named Castle. Hall is outstanding in this movie, much better than the crap around him. He even has a trippy song and dance number to a Sammy Davis Jr. song that is quite captivating. But soon enough we’re back to the bone crunching.

Neveldine/Taylor do their usual "anything goes" film-making approach. In other words looking cool takes precedence over making sense. The gamers don't see through the eyes of the players but always see them in front of them, as if the players are being filmed. The image often develops an electronic glitch for a second, even though NO CAMERAS are following the players. So only the movie viewer is seeing this glitch. AND WHY THE FUCK IS THAT? It doesn't serve to immerse me in the game. It's just an annoying "cool thing" that makes me think they watched Robocop (another strong influence/rip-off) the night before shooting.

The action is so goddamn frenetic, with the editor cutting away so quickly and so often you never get a sense of where you are, or what is happening. That's called lazy film-making. Just imagine if Steven Spielberg had shot the D-Day sequence in Saving Private Ryan this way. If he had done so it would have watered down the scene so much that it would have lost its impact. Spielberg was able to convey the frenzy and terror of warfare without the bullshit camerawork and editing that is de rigueur now.

Neveldine/Taylor make B-movies. There’s nothing wrong with B-movies (Roger Corman’s entire career anyone?), but they seem to want to be Albert Pyun: The Next Generation, instead of doing anything truly noteworthy (see Neill Blomkamp’s revolutionary District 9 to see how you make an outstanding lower budgeted movie - it's about ideas, boys, and not just the roller blades).

The DVD Extras feature extensive interviews with the two of them. They seem like really nice guys. I love that one of them often shoots with a handheld camera while he’s on roller blades. That's fun creative thinking.

But I never want to see another fucking movie from these guys ever.

Yo, Beam THIS

FilmJunk.com has a cool list of "Star Trek Inventions In Use Today."

After years of ridicule for being a Star Trek fan, it's official: THE ENTIRE WORLD OWES ITS CURRENT EXISTENCE TO STAR TREK.

Automatic doors. Biometric tech. Giant plasma screens. PDAs and tablet PCs. Communicators.

Star Trek either popularized it or was able to foresee/invent it.

Aight, now?

Sticky Situation - Star Trek: The Tholian Web

Star Trek: TOS - "The Tholian Web"

The Enterprise goes nosing around one too many times, pisses off a some gang bangers called the Tholians, and Kirk nearly gets his ass handed to him in another universe.

Also known as just another Wednesday afternoon in Starfleet!

Our heroes come across sistah ship the Intrepid, all pale green and glowing, looking like it was redecorated by Obi-Wan Kenobi after he moved on to the Force. This area of space is unstable (much like Amy Winehouse around a pub) and causes a kind of insanity in people (much like Mel Gibson around Jews). It's also "winking out" the Intrepid into another universe. Bummer!

Kirk, being all brave and stuff, gets caught on the other side and Spock, McCoy and the crew try to save him while keeping the area's true resident's, the Tholians, outta their space-hair. This puts Spock and McCoy at each other's throats (like Amy Winehouse around Mel Gibson).

They sacrifice a goat in engineering or something, and everyone is happy in the end. (Some of that may not be entirely true, except the happy ending part).

A better third season effort, once again boiling down to conflict between members of The Big Three, in this case Spock and McCoy. There's a great scene where they have to go to Kirk's quarters to listen to his last orders to them, which includes some much needed advice as well. And even though Kirk is physically not in this episode so much, his presence is felt, most especially by Spock and McCoy.

The Tholians are an interesting race, with their diamond-shaped ships and funky energy web. I haven't seen the Remastered version, but I wonder if we see the Enterprise from a distance totally encased in the web like a fly in amber (unlike the original version where they just animated some lines over stock shots of the Enterprise - you never got a sense the web was three dimensional). The Tholians appearance was also pretty ingenious, as you can see directly below. This beats TNG's usual alien-from-the-valley.

Nichelle Nichols and Walter Koenig got a little more to do in this story, with Uhura seeing the captain and Chekov going nutso. I think the only regular really slighted was George Takei, but at least he had a little "action beat" with his altercation with Chekov, so he wasn't just sitting in his chair staring at the viewer the whole episode.

Star Trek is Copyright 2010 and a Registered Trademark of CBS Studios, Inc. No infringement of those rights is implied. Screencaps from Trekcore.com.

When Worlds Collide - Fringe

Fringe – “Jacksonville”

SPOILERS

When the ground trembles in Manhatan (that’s NOT a misprint; the teaser opens on the parallel Earth!), there’s more to fear than a mere earthquake. So much more.

Olivia Dunham and the Fringe Division are called to New York City in the middle of the night and are greeted by an incredible sight: objects and people are horribly fused together. It seems Newton from the other universe (the head that got a new body) is up to something and it involves bringing a building – and everything in it – from his universe into ours.

Walter Bishop theorizes that the universes must “balance out” as on a scale, therefore a Manhattan building from our side will be sucked over into the other universe in less than a day.

Now a race is on as Walter tries to re-trigger in Olivia the ability she exhibited as a child during Walter’s and William Bell’s experiments on her: the ability to “see” objects from the other side.

A flat-out terrific episode. I love the parallel universe stories; they are what really set this series apart from The X-Files. Olivia is put through the wringer and Anna Torv shines. She has such subtle facial expressions, which serve her well in this story as she’s made to dredge up her feelings as a young child being experimented on by Bishop Sr. and Bell. And she makes it clear to Walter (John Noble) she does not agree with him on what he did to her and other children. Her anger is palpable, and a definite change for the character. (To make matters worse, Olivia has no real memories of the experiments, but she has the proof of Walter’s videotapes, so to see this being done to her but not remember must be a most disconcerting feeling.) I hope they keep an undercurrent of it between Olivia and Walter and not simply let it fizzle out over time (she may forgive him one day, just not too soon).

I like how they are differentiating the parallel universe with our's. In the teaser, we learn that coffee is a rare commodity (possibly global warming is worse over there). The terrorist attacks of 9-11 succeeded in hitting only the Pentagon and the White House (we know from an earlier episode that the Twin Towers are still standing). And President Nixon apparently did not resign in disgrace as his face is minted on a silver dollar.

Peter (Joshua Jackson) and Olivia share an all too rare moment of lightness in the opener as she rousts the Bishops in the middle of the night to investigate the incident in Manhattan. Their joking was fun and flirty, capped off later by a near-kiss (shades of Mulder and Scully!) just before Olivia is able to spot which building is due to be taken into the other universe. Astrid (Jasika Nicole) has a nice moment when he lifts the sheet covering a dead body only to find two people fused together: one body with eight limbs and a second head in the torso. She's seen and handled a lot of weird and strange things as she's assisted Walter, but this is just TOO weird and strange, and she asks to be let out of this autopsy.

I was so caught up in the prospect of an old-fashioned upbeat ending with Peter and Olivia going for drinks (OMG, I think I’m a Peter/Olivia ‘shipper!) that I forgot for a second which show I was watching. The episode’s writers Ashley Edward Miller and Zack Stentz quickly brought me back down to earth. When Peter lets Olivia in to the Bishop residence, Olivia stops for a second and stares oddly at Peter. Walter quickly comes over and pleads with her, “please don’t tell him.” Olivia is able to see a “shimmer” around objects that are from the other universe. She sees this same shimmer around Peter, and the look of shock and surprise on her face is so moving.

I cannot wait to see how this plays out! Bravo, Fringe folks.

JSA: Just Stay Away - Smallville: Absolute Justice

Smallville – “Absolute Justice”

I waited all this time for this? Months of hype. Cool trailers and pics. This Smallville “movie event” was absolutely DULLSVILLE.

First of all, Smallville "jumped the shark/kryptonite tank" at least four if not five years ago. Series star Tom Welling, playing "young" Clark Kent is starting to look OLD (he’s 33 this year). At this rate Clark will be over 40 by the time he puts on the red and blue tights. Is that what you want Smallville fans?

The CW network appears to be using Smallville as a testing ground for possible superhero spinoffs. They can essentially do a pilot as an episode or two of Smallville to gauge interest; that way they can save some serious money. Either that or they’re simply trying to bring every DC Comics character to the small screen.

In this story someone is killing off people with mysterious, and linked, pasts. We see these people – Wesley Dodds, Sylvester Pemberton, Carter Hall, and others – in black and white flashbacks. It turns out that Dodds and the others once went by different names: Sandman, Star Spangled Kid, Hawkman. And they all came together a generation ago to form the Justice Society of America (comics first superhero team). Just how long ago it was this happened is kept vague. But it has to be long enough for EVERYONE to forget they ever existed. So let’s charitably call it 30 years. However none of them looks older than 45, so they must have been the JST: Justice Society of Toddlers.

The superhuman killer uses ice spears to kill his victims; he is called – get this – Icicle. That is truly one of the lamest super-villain names ever (it sounds like the name of Santa's elf sidekicks). And the actor who plays him, Wesley MacInnes, comes across as a snot-nosed punk. And he's got a faux-hawk, which is the new mullet. Plus he seems to just appear and disappear at will. I guess cold gives him the ability to teleport?

There’s a ton of eye candy in this story, courtesy of writer Geoff Johns and the prop department. In a trophy case in the JSA’s mansion you can see original Flash Jay Garrick’s “FTD florist” helmet, Green Lantern’s lantern, Shayera’s Hawkgirl helmet, and other mementos for Mr. Terrific, Wildcat and more.

Hawkman is played by Stargate’s Michael Shanks and when he dons the helmet he does a poor Christian Bale "Batman voice" imitation for some reason. It was really silly. Dr. Fate is played by Andromeda’s Brent Stait and he comes across much better, although I wish they didn’t alter his voice so much when he wears the helmet. And rounding out these retro heroes is Brittney Irvin as Stargirl (Star Spangled Kid, version 2.0). She fits the part, with her blond all-American girl cheerleader looks, but as with a lot of Smallville's guest cast choices she's not a very good actress.

It turns out Popsicle Boy (there’s a name!) was being used by Amanda Waller (Pam Grier, looking old and confused about being in a superhero show), the head of a shady group called Checkmate. She wants to bring back the superheroes because there’s an apocalypse on the horizon. Or something.

I hate that this two-parter was just basically a set up for something else. Clark Kent was a bystander in the whole thing, not being necessary to this story one iota. Lois pops in late for some reason and gets the scoop on the JSA (mostly off camera). Chloe and Oliver do their Chloe and Oliver thing.

I just felt the storytelling was rushed and muddled. It was all about the JSA and not the Smallville regulars. It truly was a JSA pilot episode. There were a few cute bits, like Hawkman and Green Arrow getting on each other’s nerves (name calling and acting like 12 year olds being a superhero team-up tradition). Lois meets Dr. Fate and tells him, “Nice helmet.” “Thanks,” Fate quickly responds. Early on there were some Super-Friends jokes too. But there wasn’t much more to this episode.

There was no true sense of wonder to be had in the whole two hours; early episodes of Smallville were able to accomplish this. It all seemed like a response to cash in on the retro-heroes seen in the Watchmen movie; the opening credits of that film was heralded by everyone, regardless of how they viewed the movie itself. The Incredibles also did the "government hunted us old heroes out of existence" story as well, so there was no new ground covered in "Absolute Justice."

And I’m tired of characters TELLING Clark he’s "going to be something special one day," that he's "going to be a leader," that he’s "going to inspire people." One day, some day, schum day. Smallville is in its NINTH season and Clark is still LEARNING to be a hero and BEING TOLD he will become a symbol and inspiration. It makes you wonder what kind of education system Smallville and Metropolis have if Clark is so damn slow on the uptake. It really tarnishes the character of Superman to drag it out so incredibly long. (Not to mention Lois constantly sees Clark without glasses, so that little fairy tale device of not recognizing him as Superman has been effectively neutered.)

Smallville needs to spin off some superheroes, Clark Kent needs to become Superman. And the show needs to end. SOON.

'Cuse me while I touch the sky

Star Trek TOS - "For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky"

Lovable, irascible Dr. McCoy comes down with a serious case of the Swine Trek Flu and doesn't have long to live. After the Enterprise stumbles upon the descendants of the Fabrini, a people with an eye-blinding fashion sense that could charitably be called "Space Plaid" (seriously, look at that first picture), McCoy falls in love with the resident priestess Natira and decides to live out the remainder of his life with the Technicolor Tribe on their planetoid Yo'Mama (or as they call it, Yonada).

If that wasn't enough drama for you, Yonada is headed on a collision course with a planet; it will impact and BLOWED UP GOOD in about a year. McCoy asks if ANYTHING else could possibly go worng, like, could he also be kicked in the ass and set on fire before he buys the farm?

In between arguing over who gets Bones's CD collection when he's gone (his Mel Tillis albums were required listening at Starfleet Medical Academy and Charm School), Kirk and Spock figure out that the planetoid has a super AI that controls its rocket engines. So after some getting zapped and tortured, they overload the computer with double-talk and what-not and get the big rock to alter course. NOW IT'S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE SUN! Just kidding.

McCoy is lucky the Febreze were very good at medicine as well as smelling spring fresh, so he gets his xenawarriorprincess disease ("xenopolycythemia" - I was close) cured and returns to the Enterprise. Kirk promises the Enterprise will return to Yo'Mama in a year so Dr. McCoy can visit with the new "Mrs. McCoy." And have that Fabrini honeymoon with her and her two hott younger sisters, as is Fabrini tradition.

Gotta respect tradition, knowwhutImean?

Like most third season episodes a lot of goofy stuff mixed in with some good stuff. The interplay between Kirk, Spock and McCoy is what makes this one watchable, especially Spock's treatment of the dying McCoy.

Too bad the Fabrini men's costumes are among the worst ever for the series. Natira's costume is a slinky little number that almost balances things out. Almost.

The Fabrinis have the coolest "doors" on the planet surface where the entire cylindrical covering lifts up. Totally impractical, but neat nevertheless.

Here's some wacky trivia for you: actress Katherine Woodville who played the pristess Natira was married to Patrick Macnee (of The Avengers fame) and Edward Albert (son of Eddie Albert of Green Acres). Not at the same time of course - Fabrini rules, you know.

Star Trek is Copyright 2010 and a Registered Trademark of CBS Studios, Inc. Campbell's Soup Copyright CSC Brands LP. Andy Warhol's original Campbell's Soup painting copyright its Respective Rights Holder. No infringement of any of these rights is implied with this parody/review.

The Museum is Open to Wonders

A neat little blog I've never heard of called, The Museum of Supernatural History, has been optioned by Dreamworks for a feature film.

It's all in this piece by The Hollywood Reporter, brought to our attention by friend of the blog, MT. Producers Walter Parkes and Laurie MacDonald say the story would "center on the curator of a covert organization known as the Museum of SuperNatural History who must seek out and protect the world's best-kept secrets."

Sounds a bit like the comic book Planetary mixed with Syfy's Warehouse 13. Parkes and MacDonald produced the Men in Black movies, the Antonio Banderas Zorro films, the American remake of The Ring and Sweeney Todd, so it should be fun.

Congrats to the current curator of the museum, blogger Ernest Lupinacci!

Spider-Soldier

DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) device to one day give soldiers Spider-Man's wall-crawling abilities. It's all in this Wired article.

No word yet on a "spider-sense" ability, but it's probably in the works.

Marvel and DC Comics should give DARPA a life-long subscription to all their titles. You know, for research purposes.

Would you like a final treatment - Dollhouse series finale

Dollhouse – Epitaph Two

SPOILERS

The Dollhouse series finale last Friday was a strange affair. I’ve stuck with the series until the end, enough though I was not a big fan at the very beginning. And just as the show was really getting good Fox pulled the plug.

I still have not seen Epitaph One, the first season DVD set exclusive, so I was a little confused by the events of its sequel. I think my unease was also due to this episode’s faceless villain (we do see Harding in someone else’s body for a brief sequence). In the run up to this episode it was revealed that Boyd was actually the man behind the Rossum Corporation. I think I was still reeling from that information; plus, it was kind of hard to swallow.

With Boyd (Harry Lennix) out of the way, the Dollhouse gang in the future of 2020 was fighting mostly Mad Max rejects and nameless extras at that. There’s not a lot of food and water in the future but apparently everyone has a working machine gun and lots of ammo. We see Priya (Dichen Lachman) has made a life for herself and her son T in the hills away from the madness of the world. Anthony (Enver Gjokaj), who still uses his Active architecture to upload special skills from a weird iPod-like thing rolls up in his Road Warrior wheels and finally gets introduced to his son.

The gang led by Echo (Eliza Dushku) makes their way back to their old L.A. HQ. In the process Ballard (Tamoh Penikett) is killed in a manner even worse than the deaths of Wash and Book in Serenity: he takes a stray bullet to the head and dies instantly. Topher (Fran Kranz), who is mostly withdrawn in this episode, goes up to Adelle's old office and sacrifices himself while detonating his explosive EMP mind-fixer-upper (everyone in the world will revert to their original personalities). In his last split second of life, the old Topher peeks through as he stares at the photos on the wall and mutters, "Huh." Echo stays safely underground so she is not hit by the mind eraser-blast and now the world can finally wake up from its living nightmare.

Topher leaves Echo with one last imprint wedge, that of Ballard. Even though she lost him in real life she will now always have him literally in her mind. The last scene is of her lying down in her doll’s pod for the night, happy for the first time and looking forward to dreaming.

Along the way we get to see fan favorite Felicia Day again, as Mag, an Actual and one of the future freedom fighters alongside her friend Zone (Zack Ward). In their care is young Iris (Adair Tishler) who now has Caroline imprinted on her. (I’d like to a see an org chart showing who has been imprinted with whom. Or maybe not.)

There was a bittersweet quality to this final episode. (Are final episodes of beloved series anything other than bittersweet?) Like the series Lost, I think each episode should be viewed more than once, although I did not have that opportunity here, which contributes to that melancholy feeling. There were a lot of twists and turns in Dollhouse (A LOT); several were pushed or amp up by the need to properly end the series and not leave things dangling. As interesting as the storytelling was, once again in a Joss Whedon show it was the characters that really made it a must-watch thing: Topher (perhaps my favorite), Adelle de Witt, Victor and Sierra, Boyd, Ivy, Bennett and of course Echo. I've been really hard on series lead Eliza Dusku - I'm sorry but the first half of season one was pretty bad - but as the material got better she really stepped up her game and her performance greatly improved. You watched Dushku for her acting and not the tight tank tops. (But you still checked out the tight tank tops. I mean, come on, really.)

I think the Fox Network really dropped the ball on this one, seriously messing with creator Joss Whedon’s intended storyline to great effect at the very start of the series. It only got any real footing when it moved away from the poor stand alone episodes (that Charlie’s Angels one with the diva just kills me) and into the mythology arcs, exploring the themes of identity, property, choice, slavery. Imagine if Lost had been forced to do pedestrian episodes from the beginning. I don’t believe we’d have made it to this final mind-boggling season.

One day I hope to sit down and watch both seasons of Dollhouse (even the Charlie’s Angels one) on DVD and really immerse myself in this world and these fascinating characters. And I will be sure to stock my drawer of inappropriate starches beforehand.

Lost: Final Season Premiere is Complicated to Say the Least

Lost – Season Six Premiere – “LA X”

BE YE WARNED: SPOILERS

That was some crazy shit, wasn’t it?

The writers are seriously letting their freak flag fly as they start their final run of episodes.

I’ve watched this show from the beginning and immediately fell in love with the characters (the acting ensemble was one of the best ever assembled for a show). Then the weird stuff started happening: crazy transmissions that had been broadcasting for 16 years, polar bear attacks on a tropical island, the hatch, the Others, the numbers, the Dharma Initiative, a cripple walking again, and a giant smoke monster. And that was all before they embraced time travel and started messing with our heads that way.

Now, John Locke is dead and he’s been replaced by Someone Else. This other-Locke goaded Ben into killing the mysterious, ageless Jacob, leader of the Others. Jack’s plan to detonate the atomic device in 1977 to change history and make sure Oceanic 815 never crashes into the island…worked.

The premiere had a great opening scene onboard Oceanic 815 at the moment just before the plane is torn apart. We see the same turbulence rock the plane for a moment, then it’s over and the plane continues on its way. The camera pushes through Jack’s window and dives into the ocean, racing along the floor until we see familiar landmarks, like the Others homes; it comes to a stop at the base of the four-toes Egyptian statue, with a shark swimming nearby.

From there it gets weird as we follow two timelines: one after Oceanic 815 touches down at LAX and another on the island as we follow our heroes – Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Juliet, Hugo, Jin, Miles and Sayid – who are at the hatch but now in the present day.

I must say I wasn’t as impressed with the LAX scenes, except for one: when Jack and Locke meet at one of the Oceanic offices after Locke’s big box of knives goes missing and so does Jack’s dad’s coffin. Their brief exchange was so much more memorable and interesting than Kate’s newest attempt to escape from her marshal. We’ve seen Jack and Locke butt heads over and over in the previous seasons and here they had a civil chat, with Jack, a spinal surgeon, even offering Locke, who says his condition is irreversible, a free consult.

The story on the island was full of surprises and twists. They rescue Juliet at the bottom of the hatch, only to have her die in Sawyer’s arms; he vows to kill Jack over her death. Hurley gets a visit from the now-dead Jacob who tells him they can save Sayid, who took a bullet in the previous episode, by taking him to the temple. Jin knows the way. Once they get there they find a band of Others, lead by a no-nonsense Japanese man. They take Sayid to a special pool that is supposed to have healing properties, but appears to be on the fritz. They put Sayid in the pool and drown him. Our Iraqi interrogator is now dead, despite Jack’s attempt to revive him.

Meanwhile, at the temple of the big statue, other-Locke shows Ben his true nature when Jacob’s bodyguards enter the temple looking for Jacob and other-Locke turns into the smoke monster and kills the men. Other-Locke beats up Richard and carries him away at the end, telling those assembled, including Sun and Frank (Yunjin Kim and Jeff Fahey) that he wants only one thing: to go home.

Then Sayid sits up, alive. Or is he now Jacob?

See, didn’t I tell you, some crazy stuff.

Along the way we get to see some old familiar faces, with Boone, Desmond and even Claire showing up. Why couldn't Vincent have been running around baggage claim, tail wagging?

I felt sad for Naveen Andrews as Sayid was unconscious the whole two hours and didn’t say anything until the last moment. I think they will make up for that next week. They really need to start explaining the whole Jacob (Mark Pelligrino) and his rival (played briefly by Titus Welliver last season). When other-Locke walks up to Richard (Nestor Carbonell), Richard cries out, “You!” WHO TALKS LIKE THAT EXCEPT IN A COMIC BOOK? I bet that was your doing comic book fan and episode co-writer Damon Lindelof.

Evangeline Lilly’s Kate looks exhausted all the time. In interviews Lilly’s said she wants to quit acting. I hope she keeps it together this last season and really delivers the goods as her early work in the show was quite moving. I like that Sawyer (Josh Holloway) has a new reason to hate Jack (Matthew Fox) with Juliet’s (Elizabeth Mitchell) death.

I wonder what being the leader and making the hard decisions will ultimately do to Jack. Will the man of science ever have some faith?

With all the sci fi stuff, I wonder if they will explain Miles (Ken Leung) and Hurley’s (Jorge Garcia) abilities to hear and speak with the dead. Or what, exactly, Jacob – who seems to get around in time - and his rival truly are. My money’s on not, at least not big chunks of it. But it should be great fun getting to the end.

More Sigh at their Fy

Syfy announced they are re-imagining classic fairy tales for their Saturday night line up of original movies.

From their website here is the preliminary development slate for the new line of Syfy Original Movies:

Red -- A young woman who is a descendant of the real Little Red Riding Hood brings her fiancé home, where he meets the family and learns about their business - hunting werewolves. He's skeptical until bitten by a werewolf. When her family insists he must be killed, Red tries saving him.

Hansel -- Twenty years after his encounter with the witch, a grown-up Hansel returns to the haunted forest, seeking revenge. But there's a surprise waiting - his sister Gretel (who he thought had been killed) is the witch's protégée.

8TH Voyage of Sinbad -- Sinbad searches for the golden head of the long lost Colossus of Rhodes and, instead, discovers an island where the mythical Minotaur still rules, protecting a vast treasure. Sinbad and his crew have to battle the creature and its minions to get the treasure and save their own lives.

Aladdin (working title) -- After accidentally releasing an evil genie from an ancient lamp, Aladdin must find a way to imprison the genie again before it wreaks havoc on the world.

Black Forest -- A group of naïve tourists take a sightseeing tour into a supposed enchanted forest, where they encounter evil creatures from the world of fantasy. Trapped in the Black Forest, their only hope of survival is fighting their way out.

Kicking things off is their new Beauty and the Beast movie starring Estella Warren (Planet of the Apes) and Rhett Gilles (Wraiths of Roanoke). Syfy's description: "In this gritty celebration of Valentine's Day, a young Beauty with a gift for healing helps a deformed Prince regain his throne and defeat the ruthless nobleman who wants to be king -- and then together they try to destroy a power-hungry witch. Beauty and the Beast was directed by David Lister and written by Gavin Scott."

Notice anything? Not one of these movies has a science fiction angle. They're either horror or fantasy. I can see something like Red with its werewolf idea occassionally slipping in, BUT ALL OF THEM BEING HORROR OR FANTASY? NO, SYFY, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

Perhaps you should change your name to the Horror Fantasy channel (HoFa), then you could just dabble in sci fi movies. Yes, I realize you have several sci fi tv shows in your line up - you ARE the Syfy channel, are you not? But to have not a one of your new original movies be science fiction in even the most remote way is pretty sad, you must admit.

While Disney's Treasure Planet wasn't a box office hit, and it's not a fairy tale, it was a solid adventure movie that proved you could take a story set in one world (and filmed many times in that period setting) and successfully transplant it to a science fiction milieu. Same thing with the sci fi classic Forbidden Planet, which was Shakespeare's The Tempest set on an alien world. Although it too is not a fairy tale its tale of a sorceror and magic was also successfully retold in sci fi terms.

Did no one think of the "Pinocchio as android" angle? Come on, that's an easy one. Almost as easy as Red Riding Hood versus the Werewolf.

ps: Hey, Syfy, the acclaimed 2009 low budget science fiction movie Sleep Dealer was made for roughly $2 million. Look at what a passionate filmmaker is able to do versus your corporate cookie cutter movies. Inventive sci fi movies like Sleep Dealer, REC and, to go back a few years, Pi ($60,000) are what you should be seeking out for your schedule. (There is a place for hilarious fantasy crap like Thor: Hammer of the Gods, and it's in a MST3K reboot or a Rifftrax/Cinematic Titanic show.) Remember your slogan: IMAGINE GREATER.

Much Ads Do About Nothing

Oh, Google A.I.-Robotic-Ad-Determiner-Thingy, I post a review of the terrible sci fi movie Surrogates and you automatically put a laser-lock on that one word, resulting in a bunch of ads for surrogacy lawyers, Indian surrogacy clinics, surrogates wanted, gestational surrogates, and "rent Filipino movies" (yeah, that last one is a real head scratcher - and totally true - but wtf, ya know).

ZOINKS! That's exactly the kinds of ads a sci fi blog needs.

What happens if I write Playboy a bunch of times? Playboy, Playboy, Playboy, Playboy, Playboy, Playboy, Playboy, Playboy, Playboy, Playboy.

What about Apple Brown Betty? Apple Brown Betty, Apple Brown Betty, Apple Brown Betty, Apple Brown Betty, Apple Brown Betty, Apple Brown Betty.

Or Apple iPad? Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad, Apple iPad.

Now I’ll get a bunch of Google Ads for Playboy Bunny centerfolds that bake apple brown bettys, noting customer reactions on their Apple iPads...while watching Filipino movies.

Avatarred and feathered

Mike with RedLetterMedia - the comic genius who skewered The Phantom Menace in that recent 7-part YouTube series - turns his murderous gaze toward that Two Billion Dollar Baby, Avatar.

Here's a link to part one. Students take note - we'll ask what kind of beer Mike prefers to have by his answering machine in an upcoming quiz.

A Road Trip With Zombies - Zombieland

Zombieland (2009)

“Midnight Run with zombies.” That’s how director Ruben Fleischer described his directorial debut. And since Midnight Run is one of those overlooked classics, and a favorite 'round these parts, I stuck my thumb out and hitched a ride.

I’m very glad I did.

There’s a virus on the loose (I sort of prefer it when they don’t explain the zombie phenomenon too much) and it makes people all pustular and dripping and hankering to take a bite outta the nearest warm-blooded person. Usually, that’s you.

Set not too long after the zombie apocalypse has started, we follow “Columbus” (Jesse Eisenberg) as he hooks up with “Tallahassee” (Woody Harrelson bringing some huge laughs). Everyone seems to go by where they grew up. Columbus is trying to get back home to Columbus, Ohio even though he wasn’t very close to his dysfunctional family. Tallahassee, having lost the only thing that mattered to him (a puppy he tells Columbus), is on a quest to find a certain Hostess snack food. He tells his young traveling companion that now more than ever it’s the little things in life that are precious.

Along the way they meet two sisters, Wichita and Little Rock (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin, respectively). Well, “meet” isn’t the right word: “conned and swindled out of their guns and truck” is the right word.

The two parties meet up again and decide to stop pointing guns at each other and travel together. Wichita wants to take Little Rock to Pacific Playland amusement park. It was a happy memory from their childhood, and with the world gone to crap, Wichita wants to make her little sister happy, if only for a while. Besides, they’d heard the Playland is “zombie free.”

As they make like the Griswolds on their way to Wallyworld, our fantastic foursome stops at the Los Angeles mansion of someone near and dear to Tallahassee’s twisted, sugar-craving heart. I won’t reveal who it is, but it is a masterstroke of casting (how they nabbed him, I will never know) and a very, very funny sequence. It’s nice to see this actor sort of loosen up.

This is a heck of an entertaining movie, right up there with Shaun of the Dead and The Return of the Living Dead. Say, isn’t it funny how the funniest horror movies all feature zombies? They say vampires are sexy. Well, zombies are a hoot. Not only are the dialogue and situations funny, but they have fun with on-screen graphics as well, often posting one of Columbus’s “Rules for Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse,” such as "Rule No. 1 Cardio" as we see a fat guy running for his life but being overtaken and eaten by a zombie.

As in all good movies, the characters are the heart of the story. I’d forgotten how much fun Woody Harrelson can be, and in this movie he is awesome. I’d want him on my side in a zombie apocalypse. Jesse Eisenberg, who was terrific in the indie gem Rodger Dodger, is like an older Michael Cera; he’s smart and nerdy and funny. Emma Stone holds her own as big sister Wichita. I enjoyed her work in Superbad and The House Bunny. She’s sweet and sexy and can shoot a shotgun like a dude. Abigail Breslin’s Little Rock seems to be the least developed character, which is no reflection on her. She’s spunky without being obnoxious and there is a fun scene when the four of them have been traveling in the car for a while and she tries to explain Hannah Montana to Tallahassee. For a 12 year old, she also wields a shotgun with aplomb.

The original idea for Zombieland was as a television series, according to writers/Exec. Producers Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese. While that might have been fun, I’m glad they went the big screen route with this cast. I would love to see a couple more adventures with this group, provided they can keep the quality and the laughs intact.

A movie about the middle man - Surrogates

Surrogates (2009)

Surrogates is one of those movies where you spend the whole time YELLING AT THE GODDAMN SCREEN because the ideas at play are so GODDAMN STUPID. Did NO ONE read this crap out loud just once before shooting it?

It’s the near future, 2017 to be exact and pretty much everyone has a surrogate, an android avatar version of you that looks like you won one of those Ultimate Make Over contests. It’s a younger, prettier (or handsomer) and better built, but somewhat plastic-y, version of the real you. Of course there is a faction of humanity that shuns surrogate technology. They are called Dreads, which is the dumbest name for such a group.

What do you do with such an amazing piece of technology such as this? Well, you – the real you – veges out at home lying on a special couch that “plugs” you into the avatar-bot, while the surrogate goes about the day as you used to do in flesh and blood form. If you worked in an office, your surrogate works in the office. If you delivered mail, your surrogate delivers the mail. If you are a cop, your surrogate walks your beat. If you are a housewife who likes to go shopping all day, your surrogate goes out shopping. This “better version of you” just does all the same shit you used to do.

So what’s the point?

That’s what I was yelling at the screen the whole fucking time. This idea, from writers John Brancato and Michael Ferris adapted from the graphic novel by Robert Venditti and Brett Weldele, is really one of the stupidest ones ever floated for a science fiction film.

There are so many holes in the surrogate concept that it sinks the movie, which is just a standard who-dun-it, with Bruce Willis and Radha Mitchell as FBI agents – both surrogates of course – who investigate the death of the son of the inventor of surrogates, Lionel Cantor (James Cromwell). It’s Minority Report, A.I. and other similar fare, including and especially I, Robot, right down to having Cromwell as the inventor.

Cars are affordable, but everyone does not own one. Smart phones are nearly ubiquitous, but everyone does not own one. So I just can’t swallow the movie’s premise that ULTRA-SOPHISTICATED ROBOT TECHNOLOGY AND TELEPRESENSE would be so affordable in 10 years time that EVERYONE who wants a surrogate can afford one. I call bullshit on that.

I also call serious bullshit on the movie’s lazy depiction of the use of surrogates. Everyone’s life is EXACTLY the same as it was without the use of the tech. Sure there was the one fat guy whose surrogate was a hot chick, but that happens on the internet all the time. The surrogates for Willis and his wife (Rosamund Pike) are younger and prettier but as the flesh and blood husband and wife are estranged from one another after the death of their young son, their surrogates, which of course are controlled by them, walk that same walk. There's so much ice between them you could build and igloo skyscraper.

Surrogates are only a middle man, BUT YOU HAVE TO CONTROL THE SURROGATES, so what’s the point? WHY would you want this middle man getting in the way of things? It’s one thing if the surrogates were a true copy of you, so that you can send it to your crappy office job and that would free you up to do something else with your life. The movie doesn’t make a solid case – or any case, really - for that all important WHY, so the fact that it condemns the surrogate tech as evil rings hollow. (One character calls surrogate use an addiction, but that’s a lame reason.)

It's obvious the original story was influenced by people who play virtual games like The Sims, Second Life, or even old school Dungeons & Dragons, and become so immersed in the games that they prefer it to their real lives. But at least in those games they (usually) become someone else. An accountant (sorry, accountants) isn't going to play these games as an accountant character and live the exact same life he has in reality. The whole point about fantasizing is to be someone other than what you are: if you're weak, you want to be strong; if you're short, you want to be tall; if you fumble for words all the time, you want to be the one with the snappy comeback that everyone remembers.

In between the lame story we get mostly lame action scenes, including a very dull car chase. Note to directors doing car chases: WATCH SOME CLASSIC CAR CHASE MOVIES BEFOREHAND! Check out John Frankenheimer’s classic chases, William Friedkin’s work in The French Connection and Paul Greengrass’s gripping car chases in the last two Bourne movies. Director Jonathan Mostow, you have really disappointed me (I loved your Breakdown and U-571).

There is barely enough story here for a half-hour Twilight Zone episode. And that’s a half-hour that includes commercial breaks.

Howling at the moon - The Wolfman

The fine folks at Collider.com have posted several new clips from director Joe Johnston's much anticipated, much delayed film The Wolfman, starring Benicio del Toro, Sir Anthony Hopkins and the beguiling Emily Blunt.

Let's hope the long wait will be worth it, plus let's also hope they didn't monkey with Rick Baker's special make up magic with too much CGI. After all, the man knows a thing about werewolves.

Take a dip in a tick and flea bath solution and give 'em a watch.

Circumstantial Evidence

The MTV reality show Jersey Shore is tearing up the airwaves right now. It's "Snooki this" and "Snooki that." But for our cubits no one beats super-Guido Mike "The Situation."

Never one to not cash in on a fad, we here at Bad News From Outer Space present our very own, very space-y version of The Situation:


The Circumstance is like The Situation, but with less hair grease and tanning bed use (The Circumstance likes warming himself on desert rocks).

The Circumstance loves Sun Chips (salsa flavor) and Dos Equis ("He is the Most Interesting The Circumstance in the World").

The Circumstance hates phonies and goombahs ("What'sss-a matterrr, you!").


Star Trek is Copyright 2010 and a Registered Trademark of CBS Studios, Inc. No infringement of those rights is intended with this parody. Screencap from Trekcore.com.

History Comes Alive Again - Night at the Museum 2

off the shelves of the L.A. Library....

Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian (2009)

Well, the first one made money so we knew they’d do another.

Ben Stiller returns as Larry Daley, the ex-night guard for the New York Museum of Natural History. Now he creates and pedals gadgets in late night infomercials, like the Glow-in-the-Dark Flashlight, alongside people like George Foreman (here’s an idea: a Glow-in-the-Dark George Foreman Grill – I’ll take a 10% commission for each unit sold). Larry is successful but not happy.

When his golem-like friends at the museum – who come to life at night due to a magical tablet - including tiny odd couple Jedediah the cowboy (Owen Wilson) and Octavius the Roman (Steve Coogan) are boxed up and sent into long-term storage at the Smithsonian in Washington D.C. and run afoul of the uppity Egyptian pharaoh Kahmunrah, it’s up to Larry to save them. And perhaps learn a life lesson along the way.

From what I vaguely remember of the original film, this one comes across as a little better. Yes that’s damning the movie with faint praise, but what are ya gonna do?

Stiller plays straight man to all the crazy characters, from returnees Teddy Roosevelt (Robin Williams) and Dexter the slap-happy capuchin monkey to newbies including Col. George Custer (Bill Hader) and Napoleon (Alain Chabat) . He’s partnered this time with Amelia Earhart, played with heart and spunk by the wonderful Amy Adams (seriously, does she ever turn in a bad performance?).

And speaking of wonderful, Hank Azaria as the evil (he’d say, “e-VEAL”) pharaoh Kahmunrah steals the movie, and rightly so. Azaria, one of the stellar voice cast of The Simpsons, is a riot, ad-libbing much of the time in a somewhat-more-masculine Boris Karloff voice, complete with slight lisp. Kahmunrah doesn’t really seem evil in the true sense of the word. Yes, he wants to rule the world and threatens to kill Larry and his friends, but it just seems to be a bad career choice that he’s made. It’s a refreshing change from, say, performances like Jeremy Irons as the evil wizard in Dungeons & Dragons.

One scene stands out in particular when Larry and Kahmunrah are facing off against each other. Kah wants three things: for Larry to give him the tablet, reveal the tablet’s secret code, and to NOT try to grab the hour glass in which he’s trapped Larry’s buddy Jedediah. Larry of course keeps grabbing for the hour glass and with each attempt Kah just gets more irritated with him: "I can't believe you just did that!" It’s a great scene and very funny, all because of Azaria. I just wish there were more scenes like it. A DVD extra shows Azaria trying out several different voices for the pharoah, including a very funny good ol' boy from Alabama (he riffed that he was on display at an Alabama Community College and that's where he learned to speak English. Genius!).

However Christopher Guest, an ICON for creating/inhabiting Nigel Tufel in Spinal Tap, and for coming up with original characters in the films in which he directs is extremely flat here as Ivan the Terrible. He just stands behind a giant beard and glares. He has no character or personality. Same thing for the often terrific Craig Robinson from The Office, who has a blink and you miss it cameo as a Tuskeegee airman. Why cast an amazing comedian for a non-comic walk on role?

And that’s the problem with the film: it’s ALMOST a good movie. It’s harmless and has a handful of funny scenes, but with some better dialogue/situations it could have been memorable. Case in point, Amelia Earhart is constantly using 1930s slang that contemporary guy Larry doesn’t understand. It’s cute at first and Amy Adams puts a lot of spunk into each line. But they act like that’s never been done before, except we know IT’S BEEN DONE IN EVERY TIME TRAVEL MOVIE EVER MADE AND ALL PERIOD HOLODECK ADVENTURES IN STAR TREK. It’s not a new idea in the least. Imagine what a Pixar movie would do with that type of fish out of water character. See what I mean?

If there’s nothing else on TV give Night at the Museum 2 a look-see. But first try really hard to find something better on, okay?

You should ask for directions - The Robinsons: Lost in Space

Remember that Lost in Space TV reboot in 2004, titled The Robinsons: Lost in Space? It was directed by John Woo and starred Brad Johnson and Jayne Brook as the heads of the Robinson family, John and Maureen?

Don't remember? Well, that's because the network got cold feet AND NEVER AIRED IT.

But thanks to the media archaeologists at io9, they've posted a clip where Big John goes to rescue Will (Ryan Malgarini) from some gas mask aliens (they look like Ovions mixed with gas mask-wearing Sleestak).

This pilot really doesn't look too good: Brad Johnson comes across as pretty stiff (he hasn't changed since his debut in Always), the white costumes look like generic "space costumes," the aliens look terrible, and the action comes across like it was directed by Woo - the master of the "bullet ballet" - while he was asleep.

The only good thing to come out of all this is that the major sets for the Robinson's ship, the Jupiter II were sold off to Battlestar Galactica and became the sets for their rival the Battlestar Pegasus, resulting in a huge cost savings for BSG.

I just wonder if the Robot was featured in this pilot. You can't have Lost in Space without Will AND the Robot. Guess I'll have to watch the complete pilot that is posted to YouTube and find out.

Simian Cinema

Being a fan of all things monkey, this interesting article was brought to our attention by Friend of the Blog, DC. It's from the BBC's Earth News section and it looks at an amazing experiment involving chimps and a very sturdy video camera.

Two words: CHIMP CAM! (We've always wanted to say that.)

That's right, they've created "simian cinema" with Cecil B. DeMonkey directing. From the looks of the sample clip, chimps aren't half bad cinematographers (that is, when they're not licking the camera lens). It's certainly better than a lot of crappy Blair Witch knock offs I've seen.

There are also links on the side to other chimpanzee-related hijinks, including chimps mentally mapping out fruit tree locations, a chimp who "planned out" a zoo attack using rocks, and our favorite, chimps exchange meat for sex (just like Uncle Cornelius). We're finding out our furry cousins are more like us every day.

Now give them some day-glo paint and they can make a mini-Avatar movie.

Day glo movie beats the one with the boat

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Avatar has surpassed Titanic as the highest grossing film worldwide.

Avatar's $1.858 billion dollars edges past Titanic's $1.843 billion. Avatar looks to wrest the domestic number one slot as well, with nearly $555 million and still counting closing in on Titantic's $600 million North American gross.

I just wish a better movie had toppled Titanic. Between these two James Cameron blockbusters, the story with the boat had more heart in it and feeling to it than the one with the treehuggers.

Cameron is good at sequels (Aliens and T2), so maybe A2: The Company Strikes Back (NO, that is not the official title) will be a better film.

Transported to Nowhere

Avatar (2009)

Writer/director James Cameron’s first film in 12 years is a visual effects-filled shrug.

The story is a very basic tale: Humans in the near future travel to a planet to mine a valuable mineral. They can’t get the primitive alien population, the Na’vi, to move with the futuristic equivalent of “wampum and brandy” so they use ugly brute force to get what they want, natives be damned.

Every movie-goer should be issued a checklist so they can note each cliché as they occur: Hero Jake Sully meets Grace, doctor in charge of avatar program; she immediately dislikes him. Check. Generic military colonel gives, “You aren’t in Kansas anymore” speech. Check. Jake’s first contact with the Na’vi is with the chief’s daughter Neyteri, who immediately dislikes him. Check. Neyteri brings Jake to tribe, who immediately dislike him. Check. Jake, cocky and stupid, slowly wins over Neyteri. Check. Best warrior in tribe wants to marry Neyteri. Check. Best warrior really dislikes Jake. Check. Jake learns tribe’s ways. Check. Tribe accepts Jake, but best warrior doesn’t. Check. Best warrior will fight Jake at some point nearly killing him. Check. Later best warrior will accept Jake as a brother and/or leader. Check. And it just goes on and on. Or should that be “yawn and yawn.”

Clichéd plots aren’t necessarily a bad thing if they can be tempered with interesting characters that can offset the aching familiarity, but that isn’t the case with Avatar which has been called Dances with Smurfs and Pocahontas in Space by some viewers.

In addition to the clichés, Cameron is recycling himself, with the mechanical Power-loader cousins, the drop-ship like helicopters and the tough Latina soldier (all done before in Aliens). Cameron is a bit like George Lucas in that he can't let go of an old idea.

None of the characters are memorable for the right reasons. The villain of the piece, Col. Quaritch (Stephen Lang) has all the depth of a cartoon character. Well, not all cartoon characters as Jonny Quest villains were better written, with more believable motivations. Quaritch just wants to kill and destroy (he must be a terminator or a robot: "Crush! Kill! Destroy!"). All he was missing was a cigar to chomp on. Giovanni Ribisi as the corporate shill in charge of mining the “unobtanium” mineral is too goddamn young to hold a position that literally has the fate of the Na’vi in his hands. Ribisi is in his mid-30s but he looks about 25 years old. I propose a better idea would have been to have Sigourney Weaver as the corporate head on Pandora. She’s the right age, projects intelligence and resourcefulness; plus, wouldn’t this be a great spin on things, having Ripley who famously fought against the company in the Alien series now BE the company (see my comment earlier about interesting characters offsetting the clichés)!

Hero Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is as bland as bleached white bread. Worthington barely registered in Terminator Salvation where he was a secondary character, but here he gets the lead role and he’s terrible. He comes across as a bored high school football player going through the motions on the field.

Perhaps the best performance is by Zoe Saldana as Neyteri (she also scored last summer as Uhura in the Star Trek reboot). She voices her role with an exotic accent and convincingly speaks in the made up Na’vi language, which was created by a linguist (shades of Land of the Lost’s Pakuni). Saldana's movements are supple and graceful and replicated through the movie's motion-capture technology.

One idea I did enjoy immensely was the Na’vi’s connection to their world. It wasn’t just a spiritual but a LITERAL one, as they are able to "plug in" and connect with many of the animals and even the trees. But it was this idea that the movie mishandled the most. When Jake's avatar “plugs into” the alien flora and fauna it should have been a profound experience. Humans often talk about a spiritual connection, but Jake is the first person to actually connect with the world around him, and its an alien world to boot. So what does he do? He just smiles at little. Way to be overwhelmed by your experience, Jake. Oh, and he never shares what this was like with his human colleagues. Not once. Another thing that bothered me was Jake never showed any regret at having to unplug from his extremely agile avatar to go back to his true body with its crippled useless legs. That should have been a given but apparently NOTHING REGISTERS ON THIS GUY!

Also, I simply did not believe that the nameless “company” that sent the miners to Pandora and hired Quaritch and his private army would simply murder with such glee an intelligent alien species that had this unique connection to their world, not matter what “wars” are going on on Earth, no matter what we've done in the past. The scientific and spiritual curiosity alone would ensure that they are untouched. It wasn’t mumbo jumbo; they all knew this about the Na’vi. Perhaps if the characters were better drawn I would have accepted their motivations, but as it stands their motivation was “because the script says so.”

I did see the movie in 3D at L.A.’s famed Cinerama Dome on its big curved screen in the XpanD 3D process (with the big goggles). I have to say I was not impressed; this presentation did not make me a fan of 3D movies. Previously I had only experienced 3D in theme park attractions such as Captain Eo and T2 3D: Ride Across Time. I thought those were much better presentations than Avatar. My friend BW pointed out that Avatar’s 3D effects were mostly “innies” and not meant to “pop out” of the screen and into or up to your face. But to my mind THAT’S what 3D is about – without that popping out, it’s just a needless distraction. After a very noticeable start that reminded me of an old Viewmaster with Jake coming out of cryosleep in a huge cavernous spaceship interior, the 3D seems to “settle in,” only every once in a while making itself known (as with the glowing hanging vines of the Tree of Souls).

I thought the 3D projection dampened down the colors too much, especially the luminescent plant life (my friend DC’s wife B made the astute observation that “the planet looked like a teenager’s room full of those fuzzy posters that glow when you turn on a black light”); the colors simply weren’t as vivid as in 2D.

The actions scenes are pretty thrilling, and thank goodness you could follow them. We probably have the 3D process to thank for that; if Cameron shot the movie with the trendy Shaky-Cam and edited it with a Digi-Blender, the viewers heads would have exploded from the dimensional frenzy.

All in all, Avatar is much ado about nothing: A generic story, with dull characters, a pretty setting and an eco-message. It's like a glossy brochure. There was no true sense of wonder: it was all in the production design and visuals and not present in the story and characters. That's like going to a fancy restaurant and the best thing you could say about the food is that the plates and silverware were nice.

Sentenced to the Dungeon

Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

Shit. Complete and absolute shit.

This “movie” should be used as a textbook case of how NOT to do a fantasy film, with its generic quest non-story, totally miscast group of actors, dull to non-existent characters and weak production values. It nearly sent me into a coma with its torpidity.

Ostensibly based on the popular role playing game created in the 1970s, this movie has all the thrills of going to the dentist for a root canal. Make that a double root canal with no anesthesia. The story, such as it is, concerns our heroes finding the "Barber of Seville" (at least that’s what it sounded like), a magical whatsits that controls the Red Dragons, before the evil mage Profion who will use it to over throw the Princess of Izmer. To do so, involves all manner of adventure and peril for our heroes. Just kidding. It really doesn’t.

I’ve never played D&D but I’ve a little familiarity with the game. Our heroes are supposed to represent the types of characters you can play in the game: thieves (here, Ridley and Snails), apprentice mage (Marina), dwarf (Elwood) and elf (Norda). Apparently the writers thought that was all that was needed was a label to create a character. “You’re a mage and you’re a dwarf and you’re an elf. Isn’t that great and amazing?” Everyone had the same personality: annoying.

Director/co-writer Courtney Solomon is heavily influenced by Star Wars (the original) as he lifts its structure where one character leads you to the next character, who takes you to the next one. We meet Ridley and Snails (Justin Whalen and the irksome Marlon Wayans), who take us to Marina (Zoe McClellan), who takes us to Elwood, etc.

It’s hard to believe this movie was released by New Line Cinema, the same studio behind the magnificent Lord of the Rings trilogy, which was being shot at the same time as this super-turd. I want to know how New Line exec Mark Ordesky can look himself in the mirror after overseeing this offal. D&D is not even up to the level of fantasy as Willow, which is just a pale imitation of LOTR.

Jeremy Irons is flat out hilarious as the scenery chewing mad wizard Profion. He acts like he’s got Mad Cow Disease and only has a week to live; he snarls and growls and he GESTURES WILDLY as he races through his lines like he's got an aeroplane to catch and let's get this over with shall we. It’s funny, but also sad at the same time to see this Academy Award-winner (for Reversal of Fortune) act so bug-nuts insane.

Irons just tops the list of all the miscast actors in this stupid thing. NO ONE fits their role or feels believable in any way. Thora Birch looks embarrassed and more than a bit ashamed to be in this movie, especially in the green screen work where she sits atop a flying dragon and has to react to nothing. Justin Whalen (Jimmy Olson in the Teri Hatcher/Dean Cain Lois & Clark show) acts like he just came from the mall where he failed to pick up girls at the Chick-fil-A. Bruce Payne as Damodar the chief evil henchman runs around with a bald head and blue lipstick. Blue. Lipstick. (Yes, he looks like a total ass, and he chews the scenery nearly as well as Irons.) But the absolute worst, most aggravating casting choice is the human Jar Jar Binks, Marlon Wayans. He’s always shucking and jiving, and he’s NEVER funny – the cardinal sin of a “comic relief” character. It’s a great, great joy when his character dies.

Shot in Czech Republic for the cheap, the movie looks it. One big sword fight takes place in an average looking field with weeds. Way to location scout, people. The completely overshot hills of Los Angeles look better than anything here. The main characters' costumes look like generic fantasy garb at best and Renaissance Fair cast offs at worst. One set of baddies look like Power Ranger villain rejects. The sets look like cheap sets, accentuated by flat lighting, but they must have hired half the Czech population because they are always filled with what look like hundreds of costumed extras. The movie would have been better served with fewer extras and better, more authentic sets and props.

The visual effects are TV quality at best. The city of Izmer has what looks like skyscraper-sized buildings (with a dozen different architectural motifs, it seems) among all the regular brick and thatch-roof huts. Since they are done with CGI the director goes bananas and has the computer camera swoop up and around and into the things, which is a complete contrast to the pedestrian camera work in the live action scenes. Way to balance your film-making techniques, Herr Direktor.
The old Saturday morning kid’s show Land of the Lost was done for a mere fraction of the budget of this pimple of a movie, but they were creative, inventive and imaginative where these filmmakers were none of those things. The makers of LotL created an intriguing story and built a believable world and characters to inhabit that story, something this movie's Dungeon Masters failed to do at every turn.

Dr. Zaius to come out of retirement?

io9 has a piece up about how the latest Planet of the Apes reboot/remake/rejigger might NOT be dead after all.

This is great news, because if there's one thing American cinema needs more than blue-skinned aliens it's furry Apes!

The article doesn't mention it but I'll toss it out there: 3D. Every studio is either looking to lens (hey, an industry term!) a 3D movie or use their digi-sorcery to turn a 2D movie into 3D (like Uncle George is looking to do with the Star Wars Saga).

Just thing of all the great scenes of whack-ass chimps, orangutans and gorillas throwing poo at the screen...in glorious 3D! Bring. It. On.

From out of the past

Fringe – “What Lies Below”

SPOILERS

A deadly virus is loose in a high-rise building and Walter has extra incentive to find a cure fast.

Another tight stand alone episode, this one giving every member of the cast at least one moment to shine. Previous episodes tended to put Olivia (Anna Torv) in the background, but she’s brought out front this time to good effect. There are some good scenes between her and Peter (Joshua Jackson), one that serves to illuminate her character further: even when facing the prospect of death she is still more concerned with protecting those close to her.

This episode at the beginning had the flavor of The X-Files, which is a good thing. But they put their Fringe spin on it quickly enough: the virus, which came from a petroleum drilling sample dated at 75,000 years old, is intelligent (but not a Mensa candidate), much more so than H1N1, and it wants to live.

I liked that the CDC official in charge at the scene (Geoff Pierson) was not the stereotypical blowhard they usually show in such situations. He actually listened to Walter and to Agent Broyles. He was much more believable in his actions, even when he had to order the elimination of those infected in the building to prevent further contamination.

In a surprising move, Agent Broyles (Lance Reddick) makes an admission to the CDC official that the members of the Fringe team are like family to him. They are slowly showing other sides to Broyles (including his earlier kiss with Nina Sharp [Blair Brown]), which is a most welcome direction.

At one particularly tense moment, Walter “slips up” and tells Astrid (Jasika Nicole) that he “can’t let Peter die again.” At episode’s end, she asks him about this curious statement but Walter simply tells her there are “things in this world better left alone.” I cannot wait until this information surrounding Peter is finally out in the open, not because I want to see these characters hurt, but because this great group of actors and the writers will do something extraordinary with that revelation.

Well-told stories like this one make me look forward to Thursday nights.

"Bones" McCoy, Frontier Doc

Writer/artist John Byrne has a new comic book coming in March from IDW Publishing: Star Trek - Leonard McCoy, Frontier Doctor. The story follows our "simple country" physician in the time just before the events of Star Trek: The Motion Picture (which accounts for the doc's scraggly Zach Galifianakis look).

Byrne's website, Byrne Robotics, has a couple pages of finished artwork, and trekmovie.com has the cover for issue no. 1.

It's too bad DeForest Kelley isn't around to see a mini-series devoted to his beloved character.

The Justice Society of America: A Legend Comes to Life

I'm actually excited about an episode of Smallville. "Absolute Justice" is what the netlet the CW is calling their two-hour special where Clark Kent encounters the Justice Society of America, the world's first superhero team.

I used to watch Smallville back in the day and it was a great show for a while, but similar to Lost, one that definitely needed an end date. Clark Kent can only stumble and fumble for so long, before he gets his act together and becomes Superman (oh, no, was that a spoiler?). And the series is in it's, what, NINTH season. At this rate, star Tom Welling will hit 40 before he dons the blue tights and cape (if TPTB let him wear the costume, of course - corporate synergy, my ass).

Anyhoo, back to "Absolute Justice." The episode promises to show Hawkman, Dr. Fate (two of my faves) and Star Girl. DC Universe's The Source has a neat little clip filled with Easter Eggs on the Justice Society of America. How many can you name?

What do I see before me?

Fringe – “Johari Window”

Some Spoilers

When a young boy, whose normal appearance suddenly changes to reveal grotesque deformities, is taken by force from authorities, Fringe Division is called in to investigate a small town with a big secret.

This episode really felt like The X-Files did in its prime. It’s a solid stand alone “monster story” with a heart.

Walter (John Noble) at first theorizes “therianthropy” for the normal to grotesque transformations, sort of the Greek shape-shifting cousin to lycanthropy, but you don’t turn into a werewolf (which Walter is afraid of, btw). But his analysis of a beautiful butterfly he captures in the small town for Astrid leads him to the real cause: an old Army base whose top secret testing on electronic camouflage went awry.

We see perhaps a new side to Agent Broyles (Lance Reddick) in what he does with/for the town’s inhabitants at the end of this story. Astrid (Jasika Nicole), in another rare occasion, gets out of the lab and behind the wheel of the Bishop boys’ station wagon. She also gets a nice scare at the lab when she unzips a body bag. Olivia (Anna Torv) has kept to the background so to speak, after recovering from her trip to the other universe. She's in each episode but doesn't seem to contribute much. They need to balance that out better.

John Noble once again shines as Walter. Whether he’s humming a nonsense tune “Hard artichokes rarely keep, Norwegian elephants Singapore sleep” that turns out not to be nonsense at all, or sharing a tender, revealing moment with his son Peter (Joshua Jackson) at episode’s end, you can’t take your eyes off him.

I’m exaggerating but it seems like it’s been a long while since we’ve had a story focused again on the parallel universe. After all, they’ve declared war on us, you know. As cool as these stand alones can be, they don’t really hold a candle to an inter-dimensional war.

The Book of Connery

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Annalee Newitz at io9 has a great post up about today's big movie release, The Book of Eli. She compares it to none other than...(are you ready?)...Zardoz.

Yes, Zardoz, that ultra-goofy John Boorman-directed whack-fest starring the hirsute Sean Connery. With a 70s porn mustache. Wearing a red banana hammock. And co-starring a giant floating head, that spits out guns and ammo.

Newitz makes a compelling case - complete with screencaps and vid clips.

Now I'm dying to see both Eli AND Zardoz.

The Pope as Movie Reviewer

According to this article brought to my attention by Friend of the Blog JW, the Vatican is weighing in on James Cameron’s billion dollar grossing film Avatar.

Due to its pro-nature stance the Holy See views it as “neo-paganism” and believes it dangerous in that it turns “nature into a ‘new divinity.’”

Now that the Pope is in the movie review business, I think he should go whole hog. With that in mind I present: “Ebert and Pope Benedict XVI and The Movies.”

Here are some fun factoids:

-They end their movie reviews with a Thumbs Up and a Papal Blessing, or a Thumbs Down and a Contemno ex Skeletorus (Condemn This Movie to Hell).

-The Pope, unlike Roger, claims to possess the ability of Filmitus Inerrantum, or Movie Infallibility (in other words, his movie reviews are NEVER wrong).

-Roger Ebert has his “Great Movies,” the Pope will have “Pontiff’s Picks.”

-When they review the occasional drive-in movie, Benedict insists they use the Popemobile as it has a bitchin' 7.1 sound system.

-The Pope's mitre doubles as a popcorn bucket.

-The Pope's staff can be used to yank noisy patrons from their seats.

-The Pope’s favorite movie snack is Holy Grail Gummis.

-The Pope sits squarely with Team Jacob.

-Roger Ebert is The Answer Man. Pope Benedict XVI is The Answer Man of the Almighty Eternal One Who is Most High (the Church loves its titles).

-When Pope Benedict gets up and walks across a row of seats to head to the restroom, his robes make absolutely no sound thanks to fine Italian silk from blessed worms.

-The Pope closes each show with, “That’s it for this week’s edition. Until next week, the Basilica is closed.”

-Jealous rivals refer to the show as the "one with the Pulitzer Prize Winner and the Old Guy with the Big Pointy Hat."

-Every summer, St. Peter's Basilica projects a Led Zeppelin Lazer Show. (This last one has nothing to do with movie reviews, His Holiness simply likes to rock it to Zeppelin – Stairway to Heaven, of course.)