Making your world a better place (to conquer)

ADVICE FROM QWARTHAK THE CONQUEROR

DEAR QWARTHAK,

My 10 year old brother keeps coming into my room and touching and even using my stuff, like my phone and computer (I’m a 14 yr old girl). He doesn’t respect my privacy and my parents aren’t helping matters much (they think his antics are cute and adorable). What should I do?

Signed, Just wants to be left alone in Norwalk


Dear Just wants to be left alone,

You should eliminate your sibling with a high intensity radiation burst, such as you’d find in your average Huurgundian frazinator. Privacy is the right of all sentient beings. (Qwarthak even looks the other way when Qwarthak’s lil’ space canine, Mr. Wiggles, is “using the zero-g space toilet.”) After vaporing your sibling, Qwarthak recommends turning the device on your boneheaded parental units for not standing up for your rights. They sound like morons for not recognizing the needs of a teen female human versus a ‘tween male human.


DEAR QWARTHAK,

I work for a large corporation and I keep getting pulled into more useless meetings than I can count. I once spent 6 hours in a meeting titled, How to Make Your Day More Productive. After that meeting, I had to work several hours of unpaid overtime just to get everything caught back up. How can I get out of these worthless meetings?

Signed, No Time for Meetings in San Diego


Dear No Time for Meetings,

You should eliminate these meeting organizers with a high intensity radiation burst, such as you’d find in your average Zappillian laser. OMG (Oh, My Gorn), if Qwarthak had a X’lliorn dime for every time Qwarthak was forced to sit in a useless meeting….Qwarthak has fooled you as Qwarthak has NEVER had to sit through a meeting thanks to the makers of Bantoovian Blasters (motto, “No, YOU shut up. I INSIST!”). Meetings are the tool of the Devil, or more accurately, the Vice President of Marketing for the Devil…shudder!


DEAR QWARTHAK,

My 8 year old son plays soccer and I can’t get over the behavior of so many of the parents. They scream at their kids and hurl expletives against the other children as well as the coaches when they disagree with a ruling. Is there anything I can do about this?

Signed, Tired of Bad Soccer Moms and Dads


Dear Tired,

Did you see the call that moron made? COME ON! My kid was completely within the rules…Just kidding. You should TOTALLY eliminate these soccer hooligans with a high intensity radiation burst, such as you’d find in your average Vrtaarnnan fraz blaster. They say competition is good, but this is just plain bonkers. And to tell a “trade secret,” when Qwarthak is looking for someone to run enfilade fire, Qwarthak looks no further than the wacked out parents at these children’s soccer games. HOO-BOY but they are crazy sumbitches. They remind Qwarthak of nothing so much as very hungry fire ants on the way to an all-you-can-eat rain forest buffet.