Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Werewolf? THERE wolf. THERE castle.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

Where is Kate Beckinsale and her tight lycra costume when we need her?

She sits this one out, the third and, hopefully (oh please, oh please), final installment in the Underworld series (not to be confused with the Subway series) where we find out why the vampires and the werewolves act like the Hatfields and the McCoys. Or something.

I was so bored with this freaking movie. Aside from not being a huge fan of the first two, except for the aforementioned Kate Beckinsale tight costume-age, this movie is so DARK. And I don't mean subject matter. Director Patrick Tatopoulos and the filmmakers chose to bleach out most of the color, so what we are left with is a greenish gray mess with enough shadows for two movies. They should have just shot it in black and white for crap's sake. (In the extras we actually see the sets and costumes and they looked pretty cool in color, but after all the processing in the final film you can't see much of any of it.)

The producers must have thought that getting a bunch of British actors like Bill Nighy, Michael Sheen and Steven Mackintosh and have them stand around and talk - or rather, SHOUT - a lot made for interesting viewing. Not a good idea for an action movie, especially a pelicula accion y numero tres. They weren't given anything very interesting or clever to say, just whatever stuff we've heard dozens of times before in these types of Romeo and Juliet Meets 300 movies. You know, stuff like, "How can you betray me!" "We can be slaves, or we can be (fill in the blank)!" "Does this leather codpiece make my ass look big?"

And don't get me started on the werewolves. They have always been the goofiest looking things in this series, with heads WAAAY too big for their bodies. Also, the werewolves with their, greasy, stringy hair remind me of nothing so much as rock singer Andrew W. K. Especially the greasy part. Ewww.

The first Underworld cribbed - oh, let's be honest here - stole too much of its style from The Matrix. Underworld: Part Trois steals from The Lord of the Rings trilogy, with its prehistoric Middle Earth look in the sets and the costuming (mostly the vamp soldiers armor).

About those vamps, if you hadn't watched the first two movies you'd be hard pressed to know, aside from the dialogue, that the movie concerns vampires! They don't drink blood, fly, or do much of what we associate with vampires, except for burning up in sunlight. They're a pretty dull bunch, which about sums up this flick.

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