Await Further Instructions -- Which are to NOT watch this BAD movie!

Await Further Instructions (2018)

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!

Nick Milgram and his Indian girlfriend Annji show up unannounced to Nick's family home in England for the worst Christmas gathering of all time, seeing as how his family (father, grandfather, sister and bro-in-law) is mostly just a bunch of ugly racists. (Dear mother is not racist but severely repressed.) Things go from bad to worst when they wake up one morning to find the house has been completely sealed off from the outside world and the television starts giving them directions which polarizes this Brexit family. And this is before Comcast Cable shows up!

This is not a very good film. The cast is capable and there are a few ideas at play here (mostly underdone), especially a satire of television, but nothing is given enough care and attention to come to fruition. The story simply leaves too many questions in the mind of the audience.For example, why is almost everyone a racist in this movie? It was made in England so is it meant to comment on the current social/political climate surrounding Brexit? Not really. Racist in chief Grandpa (David Bradley from Harry Potter and Game of Thrones) is a thoroughly ugly and nasty person, who immediately upon meeting Annji comments about her skin color and later uses the vilest of terms to refer to women. Why? Why not, the movie says. What does any of this mean?
 
Nick's father Tony (Grant Masters) is a by the book, follow the rules man. Since he is the head of the house he sets the course for everyone and decides to blindly follow whatever instructions the TV puts forth, no matter how ludicrous or insane they may seem, for example the screen directs them to "inoculate" themselves against some unstated airborne poison and provides them with syringes - used syringes EMT Annji points out - with which to do so. Why on Earth would anyone who isn't a heroin addict use an unclean needle? Tony doesn't even blink an eye in hesitation; he just grabs a syringe and injects himself and instructs the rest of the family to do the same, including his very pregnant daughter.

Perhaps if Tony had some military background - the movie doesn't make it clear what he does for a living - that might explain his blindly following the instructions coming over his television screen. The fact that there is no official UK logo or any agency identifier at all like "From the Ministry of When Things Go Tits Up" doesn't raise any red flags with anyone in the house. It's just brief cryptic text on a plain greenish background, like an old style computer monitor. And everyone is fine with that.

Many if not all viewers watching this type of genre movie will recognize the fingerprints of the great Twilight Zone episode "The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street" on this idea. However this movie was not written by the incredible Rod Serling, who did more in a half hour to show the paranoia of a typical American street tearing itself apart when the power goes out and suspicions flare, than this film does in its hour and half run time.

We have to talk about the final act. The reveal of the "big bad." I mentioned Comcast Cable early on, well after Annji discovered "something alive" in the back of an old TV we soon discover that the things covering the doors and windows are strands and strands of coaxial cable. The monster is MONSTER CABLE! The cables aren't even attached to some creature. The cables, singly and in bunches strands, is the creature. What a serious letdown and a colossally stupid idea.

But the movie isn't done with us yet.

In the ultimate what the f-ck, pull it out of your ass ending, the cable monster puppeteers Tony's corpse and tells the remaining family members it just wants to be worshiped. But why the hell would you kill off your captives if you just wanted a congregation to fill the pews as it were? The filmmakers quickly kill off all the remaining adult characters leaving Nick's sister's baby alone on the living room floor to stare at the TV screen. I guess celebrated author Harlan Ellison was right about television being The Glass Teat being all that we need.

If this story had its shit together and been smarter we could have had a decent satire of television and its all pervasive influence on us. Christmas time is ripe for this type of thing, as we are bombarded by ads starting in October about Christmas this and Christmas that, and extended store hours, and never to be seen again savings, buy this, buy that, and you can't live without this. The television in the Milgram home could have been on all the time, perhaps with ads for the Christmas ham that Nick's mother was persuaded to buy, and they could have exchanged gifts based on what programs they enjoy watching (and the commercials contained within). Perhaps Nick and Annji as the outsiders too busy in their careers with no time for TV could have been seen as the enemies of the family and the cable monster.

But nothing like this remotely (excuse the pun) happens. There is simply no reason for the ending other than they wanted a "monster" and a big shock. Not that either was earned.

All things considered, there was no reason for this movie. Or any reason for you to watch it.

Beware...WASPATULA!

In the tradition of weird/silly/stupid shit like Sharknado, Dinocroc, Piranhaconda and Mega Python vs Gatoroid (basically 99% of the flix The Asylum craps out), we present WASPATULA.

Yes, it is only a matter of time before some unthinking scientists - blinded by their own hubris and marginal cooking skills - tamper with Mother Nature to create GIANT WASPS WITH SPATULAS IN PLACE OF THEIR STINGERS.  (Suggested by friend of the blog Greg G.)

Now He's Voiced EVERYTHING

The movie Virtuosity just ended.  That's the flick where a pre-Training Day Denzel Washington plays a cop who has to take down a virtual reality program which is a composite of notorious serial killers ( played by Russell Crowe) that has escaped into the real world (don't ask).

I spied in the end credits "Special Vocal Effects by Frank Welker."  Frank Welker, the voice of Freddie in Scooby Doo, the source of "Spock screams" in Star Trek III, and the voice of billions (okay, millions) of cartoon characters over the last 40+years.

Frank Welker: the John (he's been in every movie ever made) Carradine of voice over actors.

Photoshop Phasered Fumetti

Blasts from the Photoshop TOS Fumetti past.

Star Trek is Copyright 2014 and a Registered Trademark of CBS Studios, Inc.  Screencaps from Trekcore.com. Metaluna monster Copyright Its Respective Rights Holder. No infringement of these rights is intended with this parody.

Three Words That Strike Fear Into Movie Watchers

Here are three words on film posters that strike fear into movie-watchers everywhere: "and Richard Grieco."

Mr. Grieco has been coasting on his status as one of the 21 Jump Street TV brat pack dudes, but, come on now, that show ended over 20 years ago.  Grieco was only on it for one season, plus one season on his character's spinoff show.  Jump Street was nowhere near as influential or popular a show as, say, Miami Vice, so come on people, it's time to stop renting the crap Grieco makes.

Comics Alliance had this to say about "mockbuster" The Almighty Thor, which stars Patricia Velasquez, Kevin Nash "and Richard Grieco" - "Almighty Thor is nowhere near as good as you want a movie starring Richard Grieco as Loki and Big Daddy Cool Diesel Kevin Nash as Odin (with absolutely no effort made to hide his tattoos) to be, but it does feature dinosaurs and Thor with a machine gun."

Other flicks starring some folks "and Richard Grieco" include, A House Is Not A Home and Evil Breed: The Legend Of Samhain.

SHARKNADO 1, WORLD 0

We now live in a world where SHARKNADO was not only a goofy idea for a cheesy scifi movie, but a world in which SHARKNADO was actually made and broadcast on the airwaves.

It's your world, SHARKNADO, we're all just living swimming in it.

The Powers Of Number Four or I Am Matthew Star

So I'm sitting there watching the film I Am Number Four, a 2011 release about an alien kid with special powers and his guardian hiding out on earth from the evil forces from their home planet who are determined to wipe them out...hey, OMG, this is just a rehash of The Powers Of Matthew Star!

Check it, Matthew Star was a 1982 scif TV show about an alien kid with special powers and his guardian...heck, since this was the 80s, the opening credits of every episode TOLD THE WHOLE STORY.  Here they are, courtesy of Wikipedia:

"Quadris, twelve light years across the galaxy from Earth. It was home for us until an intergalactic armada conquered it. I fought by the royal family's side, but in vain. Even their remarkable powers weren't enough. The crown prince and I escaped to the nearest planet on which we could survive and further his powers in order to some day return to free his people.

"Here on Earth, the prince is known as Matthew Star. He's a typical American teenager. He has friends; people who love him. And me, his guardian. I'm the only one who knows how special he is. Life for us is a series of joys and dangers. Enemy assassins constantly come to destroy us. Alone, we must survive."

That's pretty much the plot of Number Four, minus the planet Quadris (giggle), and the fact that in this story there is more than one kid with the "power cosmic," as Stan Lee would put it.

Number Four annoyed me almost immediately in that the high school kids looked like they were in their 20s, which they mostly were (how very The CW of them).  Its funny how Hollywood is never able to find 16 or 17 year old actors to play 16 or 17 year old characters; it's always people in their mid-20s.

This movie just about put me to sleep right away.  Alex Pettyfer as the put upon Numero Quatro hardly registered as a screen presence (his pecs notwithstanding), Justified's Timothy Olyphant was miscast as Henri the guardian, aka the Louis Gossett Jr role on Matthew Star.  Much better was Teresa Palmer as Number Six who appears in the latter part of the film.  She's pretty, looks like she could be in high school, and had a fun kick-butt character, kind of like a well-adjusted Hit Girl.

The alien Mogadishu or Mogadorians or whatever looked stupid, with their tattooed bald heads, black eyes,  goofy teeth and Matrix trenchcoats - they resemble a Filmation cartoon's animated villain brought to live action life.

I Am Number Four is based on a Young Adult series of novels, but the juvenile tone of the move, the negative response from the critics and shallow box office would indicate that this is not the first film of the hoped-for franchise.

Maybe they could just reboot The Powers of Matthew Star for the big screen.  Or not.

Dark Shadows: A Pale Shadow Of Its TV Incarnation

Dark Shadows (2012)

Director Tim Burton and producer/star Johnny Depp decided to take on Dan Curtis' cult Gothic TV soap opera Dark Shadows and pretty much bore us to death.

Writer Seth Graeme-Smith's (famous for the novel Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) story has absolutely nothing original, or even interesting, to say. He also had way too many characters on his cinematic plate and did not write well for most of them.

In a familiar tale involving bloodsuckers, Depp's 18th vampire Barnabas Collins is let loose upon the 20th century (1972, to be exact) and he makes undead goo goo eyes at the Collins family's new governess, Victoria (Bella Heathcote), who just so happens to be the spitting image of Josette (also Heathcote) the woman he once loved back in the day.  This is supposed to be going on while Barnabas helps the remaining Collins family descendents, led by matriarch Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer), reclaim the Collins' family standing in their Maine fishing community.

I say "supposed to" because Graeme-Smith appears to have forgotten to write scenes showing Barnabas and Vicky together and falling in love again (unless Burton and his editors cut them all out).  You know, showing them doing something; spending time together and getting to know each other, rekindling the magic, or making new magic (the montage of rebuilding the Collins fishing biz does not count).  Since he doesn't, when it comes to that point in the movie where Barnabas declares his love for Victoria, we, the audience, cry out "Bullshit!"  Hey, if the movie-makers don't care, why the eff should we?  Also, for being a fish out of water tale, there aren't any quotable lines or truly memorable situations involving Barnabas as the 18th century gentleman in the groovy early 70s (Austin Powers had better and funnier scenes contrasting generation gaps).  There were, perhaps, opportunities, but nothing that sticks with you (Barnabas' fascination with teenager Carolyn's lava lamp just seemed like Depp acting silly, as if he was improvising that day).

This is a very minor effort from Burton.  Visually, it looks like someone trying to copy the style of a Tim Burton film, but it doesn't fully commit to the whimsy of an Edward Scissorhands or the Gothic creepiness of his Sleepy Hollow (featuring Johnny Depp without garish makeup!).   It feels a bit like Burton's Planet of the Apes, a workman-like effort where he was a director for hire there.  The tone was all over the place: dead serious at the beginning, morphing to Depp's silly/goofy manner and dialogue in the modern day scenes.  Also there was a suggested oral sex scene with Dr. Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter, in the Helena Bonham Carter role in a Tim Burton movie) and Barnabas that was totally out of place in this PG-13 movie.

The cast, which includes Chloe Moretz as trippy daughter Carolyn and Jackie Earle Haley as Willie the groundskeeper, is mostly fine, with Eva Green being the standout as forever-beautiful witch Angelique (its really her movie).  I think Depp's Barnabas would have been better played without the goofy pancake makeup and raccoon eyes (the heavy makeup, emphasizing the curves in Depp's face, makes him look like a little boy).  After all, original Barnabas Jonathan Frid did an outstanding job, and even became a sex symbol of sorts, without having to go to such lengths.  Someone needs to tell Depp that he doesn't always need to hide behind elaborate makeup and funny costumes when he plays in fantasy films (look at Alec Guinness in Star Wars).  Frid's plastered-to-his-forehead hair was all Depp needed.  The rest of the character should have been handled with, I dunno, ACTING.

Bad Movies Will Always Be Bad Movies

So I went next door to the library today as my neighborhood takeout joint prepared the large wonton soup that I ordered (best thing for the frakking cold I picked up on New Years Eve) and I nearly picked up the movie Green Lantern.

But then I came to my senses, because, you know, it was GREEN LANTERN.

Nothing about that movie will have improved since I last watched it, not the dull generic script, not the uninspired action and visual effects scenes, not the lousy cast.  Nuthin'.

Sometimes a head cold will make you do stoopid things.  Thank goodness that Emerald Turd was avoided tonight.

Rewind: The Eliminators Movie Review

Before we close out 2-aught-12, we rewind the blog back to February 13, 2010 and this look at the cult 80s Charles Band flick, The Eliminators!

A scientist, a ninja, and a Mandroid walk into a bar

Eliminators (1986)

Not a review, but more a stream of consciousness reaction. This is "Man with a Laptop Watches a Movie II."

“Empire Pictures Presents” – Yikes, that was Charles Band’s company and a sure sign that quality will not be a huge consideration.

Generic keyboard soundtrack right off the bat. There’s also a little blast of music when the Eliminators title flashes on screen, a true hallmark of 1980s cinema along with mullets and leg warmers.

“Peggy Mannix?” – Did Joe Mannix have a kid in between all his investigating and beating up thugs for Intertect?

Stock footage of a WWII era plane going down. The pilot is saying “may day, may day” but it sounds like “ribbit, ribbit.”

I didn’t realize Vasquez Rocks was colonized by Roman soldiers.

Now THIS is a fun (non-Casio keyboard) score that just kicked in, set to what looks like Charles Bands version of 2001’s slit scan photography.

“Help the Mandroid from the cage Takata.” How many times have we heard THAT before?

Mandroid looks like the love child of an old school Cylon and an HVAC surplus store.

Mad scientist Roy Dotrice as Reeves does his own electrolysis. But does he bill his insurance?

The Mandroid needs his “Mobile Unit?” Ohhh.

The Mandroid’s Mobile Unit kicks serious ass. It's got treads like a tank, that thing is amazing! Robocop needs to get him one a those for his new movie.

Why would the Mandroid EXIT Reeves' compound and THEN turn and scream out “Reeves!” How is he going to hear him?

Mandroid looks like he’s got a swamp cooler coming out of his back. That or a four-slice toaster.

This forest is filled with nothing but fog machines, spotlights and heartache.

DENISE CROSBY ALERT! Wait, she’s only 20-something and she’s a COLONEL? Of what?

Why does her buddy S.P.O.T. look almost exactly like V.I.N.CENT. from The Black Hole? Perhaps it has something to do with a purloined plastic model kit. And why does S.P.O.T. turn into an irritating ball of bouncing light?

Good thing Mandroid used the green sleep gas, like comics' Dr. Mid-Nite.

The Mandroid shops at Home Depot for all his black-tarp-as-coat needs.

That’s a lot of sparks, Mandroid better get MAACO.

First Mandroid, then Data, Denise Crosby must have a thing for cybermen.

“Seach Patrol and Operational Tactician.” Wait that spells….
Aww, little dude likes The Jetsons.

Andrew Prine is rockin’ that sleeveless army shirt. Not really. Dude’s spindly arms look like the average 10 year old kid’s legs.

Look out, it’s Rosie O’Donnell’s stunt double! Wearing plaid!

It’s “Rednecks on Mexican Waters!” Sounds like a new Disney ride.

Boat chases and explosions? Is this a Bond movie? No, not James Bond, Gomer Bond (his third cousin, twice removed).

Why is “Bayou Betty” boating around with a foppish French maitre d?

Little S.P.O.T. has a full Qwerty keyboard.

Why does Mandroid always sound like he has a mouth full of marbles and he’s speaking in slow motion? Even Stephen Hawking is easier to understand.

“Quo Vadis means “we kick ass”?” Must be a new translation.

This is a sci fi movie, so why all the unnecessary “Dukes of Hazzard on Water” stunts?

So that swamp cooler on Mandroid’s back is just some kind of mounting bracket for S.P.O.T?

All this tromping around over boulders and forest reminds me of Korg, 70,000 B.C. What?

Is this some kind of weird sci fi version of Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness,” with the long, slow boat trip up the river?

Mandroid and S.P.O.T. overboard! They’ll probably be swallowed by a giant anaconda or Jennifer Lopez (yes, that was redundant).

“John, oh my GAWD!” – suddenly Denise is Snooki from Jersey Shore.

It’s really nice to see old-fashioned hand drawn cell animated energy bolt things. (wipes away a tear)
Roy Dotrice really needs to learn to use a needle and thread better, because his facial scars are just getting nastier. (They look like one of those dotted line trails of Billy from Family Circus when he wanders to and fro.)

Mandy and S.P.O.T. walk and float, respectively, out of the water. Now S.P.O.T. is a big useless squirt gun (so much for the Super Soaker tie in).

CAVEMEN ARE ATTACKING DENISE CROSBY! And, wtf, Andrew Prine is somehow pulled underwater and captured in a giant homemade cage.

“Oh, hi, ninja” Mandroid doing a Tommy Wiseau impression to Kuji the Ninja as he ninja-squats near a fire.

I gotta ask: How many mad scientist’s Japanese assistants have ninja sons? I’m taking a poll for Gallup.

Since when do ninjas have mullets? That’s like number one on the ninja checklist: NO mullets.

I can’t tell if that’s a caveman or cavewoman. Since it’s got Betty White’s hairstyle I’m gonna go with cavewoman.

Ninja with nunchuks vs. cavepeople with spears. Care to wager on that outcome?

Mandroid’s feet have little boat motors in them? Was he built by Evinrude?

“We got robots, we got cave men, we got kung fu!” (Andrew Prine) – That should have been the tagline for the poster.

Mandroid hid his Mobile Unit by leaving it out in plain sight? Wile E. Coyote could have done a better job of hiding it.

LOOKOUT, IT’S MEGAFORCE MOTORCYCLE REJECTS! Their windshields are made of a kind of flyswatter-mesh material instead of plastic. That breaks so many automotive and mad scientist safety rules.

The Mobile Unit is toast! Because he tried to drive it up a boulder and it fell over? What an ignominious end.

The fat henchman who acts like a spazzy extra from The Fall Guy takes a tumble.

I can appreciate the fact these guys get into so much trouble, but I just wish any of it were the least bit interesting. It's like The Lord of the Rings: they're trying to get to a place to do a thing, and keep running into obstacles. But instead of orcs and Nazgul, the Eliminators run into fat guys, cavemen, and Mexican hench-hombres. It somehow lacks a certain zing.

Mandroid looks like he needs a cuddle with Denise Crosby. Heck, she once did it with Data, so we know she’s “into” machines.

S.P.O.T.’s back but the little iSHIT is possessed or something.

Strike the pose: Kuji the ninja is vogue-ing to avoid S.P.O.T.’s wee laser blasts.

Ninja sword to S.P.O.T.’s CPU! Go gently into that digital goodnight, sweet S.P.O.T.

They simply walk out of Backlit Forest right up to the mad scientist’s lair and no one notices.

You are shitting me! Kuji the ninja just JUMPED through the blades of a giant spinning fan. Is there nothing that a Supercuts' mullet won’t allow you to do?

Now they’re in Indiana Jones’ rumpus room with all the shiny idols and “fortune and glory.”

Roy Dotrice wants to go back in time and rule ancient Rome? “Hail Reeves” just doesn’t have the same ring as “Hail Caesar!”

This mad scientist has the worst dressed hench-people: it’s all faded denim and plaid and golf shirts. WHERE’S THE ONE PIECE SINGLE-COLORED DR. NO-APPROVED JUMPSUITS?

One well-thrown shuriken can sure mess up an ion disruptor cannon big time.

Does Roy Dotrice get paid for every time he utters the name “Mandroid?”

With his last Radio Shack transistor the Mandroid saves his friends. (sniff)

Reeve’s time machine looks like a giant prototype for a flux capacitor.

Andrew Prine just punched the mad scientist’s computer. Ah, the old days of vacuum tubes and do-it-yourself tech support.

Great Land of the Lost-type partial set and matte painting/miniature of the Silurian Era!

They freeze-frame on our heroes laughing at their victory a la Police Squad…and it’s over!

Eliminators was written by Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo, one of their first efforts for producer Charles Band. They went on to write, produce or direct such genre gems as The Flash tv show, The Rocketeer and The Sentinel. You can tell they were influenced by comic books, Star Wars and Steven Spielberg movies with the whole "lovable scoundrel teams up with a Ninja, a beautiful scientist, and a Cyborg" angle. But they simply didn't have a budget to do this justice. Three quarters of the movie seems to be the river boat trip and stomping around in the woods. It fills time but it's not a whole lot of fun. Of course if you had better actors, it might have been a different story.

Denise Crosby is all over the place; at times she's fine, then other times she gives a line delivery that makes you cringe. Roy Dotrice should have been in charge of set demolition with all the scenery he got to chew at the end as Reeves 2.0 the Superbot. Top-billed Andrew Prine acts like he's in an episode of a typical 80s tv show, like Dynasty or Hart to Hart; he's serviceable at best. And Patrick Reynolds as John the Mandroid had the hardest part in the movie, walking around in what must have been a very hot and confining costume. His performance was very wooden at the start (a mistake so many people playing androids or cyborgs seem to make), but he loosened up toward the end, only to have his character buy the digital farm. The less said about R2-D2-by-way-of-V.I.N.CENT. rip-off S.P.O.T. the better (for comic relief why do they always go with Smuf-cute instead of Bandit from Jonny Quest cute). As I said above, the Heart of Darkness parallel is quite evident, but it's also evident director Peter Manoogian just didn't have the inventiveness or creativity to do anything with it.

I would kill for an R/C miniature of the Mandroid and his Mobile Unit (you could probably cannibalize one of those Robocop figures to start with). Come on prop and model makers, get on that !!

Eliminators poster image Copyright its Respective Rights Holder. No infringement of those rights is intended with this review.

Chuck Norris vs Frankenstein!

Quick, what's the name of the only horror movie that chop-socky legend Chuck Norris has ever done?

If you answered Silent Rage, then you were correct.  You were probably also one of the other nine people in the theater to see this horror/scifi turkey upon its release (some might say "escape") in 1982.

In it Big Chuck plays a small town sheriff (is there any other kind in movies - Arnold Schwarzenegger also plays a small town sheriff in his first flick since leaving the Governator role behind), who runs into some tall gangly weirdo killer who is shot fulla lead, and then while knockin' on death's door, subsequently experimented on by a couple of weirdo CSI/scientist types who basically turn him into an unstoppable (read, unkillable) zombie killing machine. 

Chuck don't take too kindly to unstoppable low-rent Terminator-types killing up his small town, so his boots get a good workout, what with about 175 spin kicks in the movie.

Why did Chuck Norris do a horror movie, you ax (get it - horror movie - ax)?  Well, this was a Chuck-before-the-beard flick, so we can forgive him for this lapse in judgment/good taste/grooming just once.

Here's the trailer for this nonsense.

Bill and Ted's Not-At-All-Excellent Cyber Adventure

Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

This was an incredibly dull movie. And a stoopid one, at that; Johnny Moronic some have called it.

Keanu Reeves plays our hero, data courier Johnny who smuggles information in his noggin in the world of 2021.  He dumped a chunk of memory (e.g. his childhood) to enable the illegal extra data storage capacity in his melon.  Reeves has to get the info downloaded before his head explodes or the audience loses its patience with the movie.

Reeves is in full Bill and Ted mode in this flick; his expressions have that blank deer-in-headlights feel.  All that was missing was Alex Winter as his traveling buddy and Reeve's trademark phrase, "Whoa!"

Reeves has to get the data from exotic Beijing (Panda Express looks more exotic than the film's production design of China) to Newark, New Jersey.  When did Newark become an important destination in cyberspace or real life for that matter?

This is a Bad Movie, through and through. The casting across the board was goofy: Ice T in a fright wig as a resistance fighter, weird Udo Kier as another weird Udo Kier character, Dolph Lundgren - seemingly on some bad mescaline - as a strung out street preacher/assassin?  To top it all, the actor playing the chief Yakuza assassin had eyebrows that were at least one inch thick!  It was so distracting, like watching an Asian Groucho Marx.

The resistance fighters, or Lo-Teks (get it, "low tech?") are HQ'd underneath an old bridge.  I didn't say below an old bridge, which would make sense if you want to keep out of sight of the cops and the corporations out to press delete on your ass.  No, this dumb movie puts the Lo-Tek's hideout UNDERNEATH a bridge: they networked together old containers and other scraps of metal and junk, and viola, it's the Hilton 2021.  Except you'd have to use cranes to get that shit up underneath the bridge and weld it all together.  How the hell did they hide all that from prying eyes?

Of course the Lo-Teks like to drop flaming cars (hey, "car bombs," everyone!) from the bridge onto trespassers below.  This once again raises the question of how you get old cars UNDERNEATH a bridge to be able to bomb unsuspecting snoops.  I imagine this image was the thing that led them to create the Lo-Tek's silly headquarters in the first place.

This movie looks and plays like an extremely cheap knockoff of the Max Headroom TV show, but instead of that show's inventiveness, creativity and smart satire, we got a B-movie plot, embarrassing cyber-tech double talk, cliched scifi punk fashions, a generic soundtrack, dull fight scenes, and a finale in one of Roger Ebert's trademarked "Steam and Flame Factory" settings.

And the scenes "in" cyberspace itself (one where Reeves is gloved up and helmeted to do, what, make a couple phone calls?) simply looked like someone's CGI effects reel after watching Tron.

Read an old issue of Omni magazine for a better, more exciting, and stimulating use of an hour and a half.

Comic Book Movie Casting, Meteors and More

WhatCulture.com has a new piece up about unusual, or oddball, casting choices for comic book movies. Michael Keaton's casting as Batman was likely the first oddball casting for a comic book movie that really worked; the most recent may be Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man.  Let's keep that up, Hollywood.  We need more of that kind of "out of the box" (though that's such an overused phrase) stuff and less of the Nick Cage as Ghost Rider or Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern business.

In sadder news, noted director of photography Harris Savides passed away recently.  Mr. Savides worked with directors as varied as Sofia Coppola, Ridley Scott and David Fincher; his work on the period thriller "Zodiac" for Fincher was especially notable.  Indiewire.com's The Playlist takes a look at his amazing work.

To end the week on a high note, Space: 1970 has a post up with the press kit photos from the scifi disaster pic "Meteor," starring none other than James Bond himself, Sean Connery, the late Natalie Wood and some really bad special effects (the space platform with the missiles looks about two feet long and made from cheap plastic - which it probably was!).

I watched the first 15 minutes of "Meteor" not too long ago, and all I remember was that Connery wore an overcoat that was this thick, massive, leather number that looked to have been made from an entire cow (see the first pic in that post).  That and he brought the thing with him into every scene he was in.  (Connery was a millionaire by the time this movie was made, so maybe he told the producers, "I don't need any money, but I would like a really nice warm coat for those Scottish nights I could keep afterward.").  To stop the meteor they should have just thrown Connery's coat over it.

Little-seen 1980s Series to Transform Into Little-seen Feature Film

Okay, who the frak is responsible for this?

Is it you?

Manimal is coming back from the dead. (This according to io9.com.)  That's right that little seen Glen A. Larson "gem" from the early 80s is apparently being brought out of mothballs - or in this case, the taxidermist - to star in a feature film.  And instead of Stan Winston's man-to-animal makeup transformations, we will get CGI morphing instead. Whoopee.

Here is the premise of the show: "a wealthy doctor with a mysterious past, who morphed into animals in order to help the police fight crime."

If Ben Stiller is tapped for the lead, I am so there.

Most Cheese You Can Get Without A Cow

Because this NEVER gets old, it's Mike Nelson, Crow and Servo from MST3K and their many, many nicknames for Reb Brown's character in the you-gotta-see-it-to-believe-it "Space Mutiny."

The Restoration of Manos

SOMEONE IS RESTORING "MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE!"

Sorry about shouting that, but, seriously, according to this NPR post, a film school grad - dude named Ben Solovey - wants to restore "Manos," one of the the WORST films ever made.

You were likely introduced to "Manos," as I was, through the glory days of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Is this a good thing, Torgo, or should such wretched celluloid cheese be left alone in all its scratchy, grainy glory?

An Off-Road Segway

Holy shit, but this is so cool.

You know what a Segway is right? That weird two-wheeled thingy that was supposed to revolutionize transportation, or something. Know anybody who owns one? Didn't think so. (I've only seen it on tv used by mail men or cops.)

Inventor Ben Gulak did the Segway one better: he put tank treads and a 200 cc engine into a Segway-like off-road devil called a DTV Shredder. It's all in this Rolling Stone piece.

I wonder if Ben got his inspiration from the Mandroid in that goofy scifi masterpiece The Eliminators (see my running commentary of that funfest here)?

Martians And Kung Fu, But No Martian Kung Fu

Here are some new pics from the upcoming and eagerly anticipated JOHN CARTER, directed by Andrew Stanton (Finding Nemo and Wall-E). from io9.com

I never read the pulp novels, but I recall fondly reading the Marvel Comics adaptation "John Carter: Warlord of Mars," with the curvaceous Dejah Thoris, the four-armed Tharks, and assorted Martian strangeness.

Also found on io9 is this wackass Chinese fantasy kung fu movie called Demon of the Lute. They feature a clip where the hero is first attacked by some ninja-types with hidden trampolines (trampoline fu, as Joe Bob Briggs might say), then a bald dude with an orange goatee. Mr. Orange travels by way of a cannibalized Radio Flyer wagon-as-chariot pulled by a pair of German Shepard dogs.

Mr. Orange - who could film a Rogaine commercial when he magically grows a full head of orange hair that would put Carrot Top to shame - could cut down on the between-meal snacks as they have to speed up of the footage of the dogs pulling the wagon or those scenes would take up the movie's whole runtime.

It HAD To Happen Sooner Or Later

Mainstream movies of the last several years seem to be having more explicit sex scenes; films like Ken Park, 9 Songs, Shortbus, The Brown Bunny, Lust, Caution, Antichrist, and Blue Valentine dip a toe, or other body part, into territory usually reserved for adult films (especially those that feature actual sex and not just the simulated variety).

Now comes the news that a porno company is making a sci fi film, called Horizon, with heavy emphasis on the sci fi. (This is via blastr.com.)

Great! Just what we all look for in our porn: more plot!

These porn actors and actresses have enough trouble trying to act in complex scenes involving pizza delivery and cable repair, imagine having to deliver lines about post-apocalyptic conditions on Mercury and alien invasion tactics. The mind boggles.

Transformers 3 Fried My Circuits

Star Trek is Copyright 2011 and a Registered Trademark of CBS Studios, Inc. No infringement of those rights is intended with this parody. Screencaps from Trekcore.com.