Wednesday, June 10, 2009

This Horse Would Be Better As Glue

Beer For My Horses (2008)

I’ve hit rock bottom, folks. I’ve actually watched a movie that makes you dumber.

You’ve heard of movies targeted for certain demographics, right? Chick flicks and women, for instance. Horror films for teenagers. Family films for all ages, like Pixar movies. Now there’s Beer For My Horses, whose demographic is the most specific: Toby Keith fans and morons. (Even Steven Seagal movies have a wider demographic* than this flick.) Co-written by country star Keith and co-star and stand up comic Rodney Carrington, it’s about two small town sheriff’s deputies (or “depaddies” as Rodney says) who tangle with Mexican drug dealers.

*Seagal's movies are watched by Seagal fans, and fans of martial arts, action thrillers and bad movies.

“Good ole boy” doesn’t begin to describe the tone and execution of this drivel. I’m serious when I said this movie makes you dumber. The level of humor is aimed at 10 year old boys. More specifically, 10 year old boys that have been held back a grade or two. Shitheads who love knock-knock and fart jokes. It’s that fucking stupid and obvious.

I expected Toby Keith to just be Toby Keith, and I was right, but I was expecting Rodney Carrington to be better. I have heard his stand up act on The Bob and Tom Show on radio and he is very funny (and even R Rated in his live act too). He had to seriously clean things up for his short-lived sitcom a few years ago, called Rodney. And here he shows you what he’s like with ALL of the bite taken out of him -- he’s just a short chubby idiot. The movie has several cameos from old country stars where the phrase “long in the tooth” doesn’t begin to describe them: Willie Nelson, Mac Davis and Mel Tillis. All of whom are now officially older than Moses (we know Willie and Mel played for Noah when the Ark hit dry land).

Tom Skerritt should be billed as Tom Scary because he looks like a walking corpse now. Ted Nugent as Deputy Skunk doesn't look that much better. There's a farting "police dog" (of course the dog is completely useless until the final action scene). And there's a blink and you'll miss it flash of bewb (for the PG-13 rating) in a highway scene set to one of Rodney's fun little stand up songs, "Show Them to Me."

This is a complete waste of time. It makes Larry the Cable Guy’s movies look like Merchant Ivory productions.

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