Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Pope as Movie Reviewer

According to this article brought to my attention by Friend of the Blog JW, the Vatican is weighing in on James Cameron’s billion dollar grossing film Avatar.

Due to its pro-nature stance the Holy See views it as “neo-paganism” and believes it dangerous in that it turns “nature into a ‘new divinity.’”

Now that the Pope is in the movie review business, I think he should go whole hog. With that in mind I present: “Ebert and Pope Benedict XVI and The Movies.”

Here are some fun factoids:

-They end their movie reviews with a Thumbs Up and a Papal Blessing, or a Thumbs Down and a Contemno ex Skeletorus (Condemn This Movie to Hell).

-The Pope, unlike Roger, claims to possess the ability of Filmitus Inerrantum, or Movie Infallibility (in other words, his movie reviews are NEVER wrong).

-Roger Ebert has his “Great Movies,” the Pope will have “Pontiff’s Picks.”

-When they review the occasional drive-in movie, Benedict insists they use the Popemobile as it has a bitchin' 7.1 sound system.

-The Pope's mitre doubles as a popcorn bucket.

-The Pope's staff can be used to yank noisy patrons from their seats.

-The Pope’s favorite movie snack is Holy Grail Gummis.

-The Pope sits squarely with Team Jacob.

-Roger Ebert is The Answer Man. Pope Benedict XVI is The Answer Man of the Almighty Eternal One Who is Most High (the Church loves its titles).

-When Pope Benedict gets up and walks across a row of seats to head to the restroom, his robes make absolutely no sound thanks to fine Italian silk from blessed worms.

-The Pope has been known to “heal” a broken film strip with a wave of his hand.

-The Pope hosts "Movies with a Mass" - a retrospective of films featuring the mass. (Not to be confused with "Movies and a Mass" on Sundays when you have a film following a mass.)

-In addition to the Popemobile, the “Pontiff of the Projector” has been known to dash to movie premieres in the Popecycle, the Popeboat, the Popecopter and, occasionally, the Liturgical Limo.

-The Pope closes each show with, “That’s it for this week’s edition. Until next week, the Basilica is closed.”

-Jealous rivals refer to the show as the "one with the Pulitzer Prize Winner and the Old Guy with the Big Pointy Hat."

-Every summer, St. Peter's Basilica projects a Led Zeppelin Lazer Show. (This last one has nothing to do with movie reviews, His Holiness simply likes to rock it to Zeppelin – Stairway to Heaven, of course.)

1 comment:

  1. THIS is an idea whose time has come. Thanks for getting down the details.