Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Picard versus the Swedish Bikini Team

Star Trek: The Next Generation - “Justice”

After dropping off some colonists, the Enterprise crew beams down to the planet of the Swedish Bikini Volleyball Team, and Wesley gets the death penalty for not keeping off the grass.

If you’re thinking this must be a first season "gem," you’re right. It's another goofy Gene Roddenberry idea (here written by Worley Thorne and Ralph Wills): The Planet of the Hot People Who Have Sex ALL The Time and Run Around in Pasties. One track mind that guy.

I admit I liked this episode as a young space cadet, but that was likely due to scantily clad guest star Brenda Bakke and all the other hot blond chicks featured throughout. For the female viewers there are dudes both muscle-bound and, well, otherwise running around in their banana hammocks. (Seriously, the costumes for the alien Edo people consist of nothing more than a couple of fancy cloth napkins.)

Why the Enterprise is visiting a planet that is OBVIOUSLY several hundred years behind them in tech is a head-scratcher. Yes, they whine about needing shore leave, so how about beaming the crew into the mountains or an island or some other remote area and leaving the Backwoods Bares alone. I think it’s because the Feds are incapable of roughing it in the slightest; they always take their shore leave at touristy places with hotels and full amenities. And hookers.

In the teaser they establish the sex thing right away (Yar even says they “make love at the drop of a hat – ANY hat”), so WHY they allow Wesley to go down, so to speak, is baffling. Upon meeting him, Brenda Bakke looks like she wants to jump him as is their custom but Wes fumbles the ball and gets a chaste hug instead.

They find out that the joint is so peaceful because no one dares to break even the slightest law, as there is only one punishment: you have to watch a Liza Minnelli/Barry Manilow concert. No, actually, they just kill you. Wes accidentally breaks a rule when he falls into some shrubbery and the Away Team has to protect his bacon.

One thing they screwed up is that Worf is against this type of law & order. You’d think as a Klingon Warrior (TM) he alone would appreciate the concept of one punishment for every crime. That, and he’d want to use an old rusty axe to do it. Missed opportunity there.

Anyway, as the Away Team was getting jiggy and jiggly, the Enterprise discovered a weird but cool looking space ship in orbit - this is the Edo’s “god.” In a hilarious bit, when the Edo god-ship first shows up it doesn’t read on ship’s sensors, so Picard tells Geordi to go look at it through a window! This is a Galaxy-class starship, the most advanced machine in the Federation and Geordi’s gotta stick his visored melon out the window to take a peek at something. (Of course they never ever do this again.) He/It doesn’t want the Feds mucking around with his kids and messing with the perfect harmony they’d had for hundreds of years. Naturally Picard fucks this all up by boning up on his L.A. LAW tapes and arguing for Wesley’s clemency.

In the end they let Wesley and the crew go home, and Wes walks around with a boner for six straight months.

Star Trek and Star Trek: TNG are Copyright 2010 and a Registered Trademark of CBS Studios, Inc. No infringement of those rights is implied. Screencaps from Trekcore.com.

1 comment:

  1. I ya had to add only a single pic, you chose the PERFECT one! Many LOLs.