Watching this movie is the 13th Labor

Hercules (1983)

Instead of a formal review, here's a new feature "Guy Watches a Movie With A Laptop in his Lap."

Tremble at these names of legend: Golan-Globus, The Cannon Group, Luigi Cozzi and Lou Ferrigno.

“Darkness and chaos merged and formed the four elements: night, day, matter and air.”
I’d really hate to take an Italian science test.

Why are the stars so big and splotchy?

Zeus looks like Jon Stewart wearing the worst fake white beard and hair since Cameron Mitchell’s Cmdr. Santa Claus in Space Mutiny. It also appears he’s killed and skinned the Michelin Man to make his robes (it’s the white hoops that give it away).

Hercules was born from a roving photo torpedo.

The chief bad guy, attempting to kill the infant Herc says, “Where’s the BAY-bee.” That’s an almost Shatnerian pronunciation.

Sybil Danning’s extremely revealing costume is both highly inappropriate for the era and a GREAT fashion statement. She looks like she’s in charge of Ming the Merciless’s harem.

Zeus goes to save Baby Herc’s boat from going over the falls so he uses…a badly stop motion animated hand? Even for cheesy Italian fantasy, this is stupid.

Hercules punches a grizzly bear and his fists make a “ZAP” sound like a laser.

Hercules just threw a (stuffed) bear INTO ORBIT. It’s now the constellation Ursa Major. This has been verified by Galileo, also an Italian.

Why does it look like King Minos is on the moon (and the moon is made of paper mache and foil)? This looks like a high school play set at Stonehenge.

Now I know why King Minos’ orange-ish ensemble bothers me: it reminds me of the Burger King’s costume. Just call him Burger King Minos.

“Hercules, your mother is in danger. Come!”
“whAAAT!?”

Herc running across the field sounds like a couple of erasers being clapped together.

Hercules is now fighting a bunch of hastily assembled scrap metal that’s been hot-glued together. And it has wings. Give me Bubo any day.

More cheesy optical blasts as Herc battles a couple of gladiators.

Herc is taking a poll now – he’s using a telephone pole to pin ten swarthy Italian dudes.

Herc just threw the telephone pole into space. That’s ANOTHER thing that NORAD has to track now.

I think they put eyeliner on Big Lou. Look out Nestor Carbonell.

Herc diverted the river to clean the stables. WORST. MINIATURES WITH WATER. EVER. The stable exterior looks two feet high at best. And made of foam.

Herc, chained and tossed into the sea, is now singing “Here’s to swimmin’ with bowl-legged women.”

Zeus and Athena are pulling an Obi Wan Kenobi and appearing all spectrally and see through underwater to blather on about Herc. Either get involved or piss off.

Herc washes ashore and gasps for breath TWICE before passing out. Lou Ferrigno is acting the SHIT outta this movie.

An old witch hag just "beamed down" (the sound effects made it seem like there was a frequency problem). Why does she sound like Carol Kane in Taxi?

I keep expecting Box from Logan’s Run to roll into her icy witch’s pad.

The witch has a PUKA SHELL necklace thing! Gnarly.

The old witch is really Circe the Sorceress. Say that three times fast.

How does Syblil Danning keep that costume up? Talent, sheer talent.

Another mechanical beastie? I’ve seen LEGOS that looked tougher than that thing.

These sounds effects are so bad. That sounded like a fart. (It was the mechanical hydra turning over or on or something.)

Rainbows lead to Hell. Who knew?

“There under the Hand of Destiny is the Soul of the World.” When all else fails, make shit up (using the “this of that” template).

Now Herc is as big as the statue of Talos.

The look on Zeus/Jon Stewart’s face is priceless. He would SO rather be elsewhere.

The “magic chariot” looks like it was made from a giant margarita glass. The salt around the edges is a dead give away.

Want to know Hercules greatest weakness? He can’t tie knots! Circe the Sorceress has to use her magic to tie the rope around a rock and to the chariot.

HOW DO YOU STEER a rock-powered chariot?

Looks like Herc is gonna fight the Italian Terminator (another shitty stop motion pile of junk). And it’s a Centaur Terminator, a Terminataur!

Why are all the night sky scenes filled with only six or seven stars? Didn't Galileo explain astronomy to the locals?

Death by lava? Activate the unnecessarily slow lowering device!

Burger King Minos’ fire sword is actually kind of cool.

…commercial for Booty Pop panties – “it’s like a padded bra for your booty!”

Herc “impales” Sybil Danning on his sword, just not the way she wanted.

FLEE! THE MINIATURE ISLAND CITY IS FALLING APART!

The special effects were done by the company, A Guy and a Bathtub (not to be confused with A Guy and a Sink).

The credits are rolling. Now I know who to blame.