Lapdance anyone?

The talk radio station I listen to in the morning advertises the “Lap-Band.” No, it’s not a 1970s Laplander experimental pop group, but a “new, minimally invasive weight-loss surgery.” If you go on its website, it looks like nothing so much as one of those plastic handcuffs so often used today by police and the military. Essentially they “arrest” the upper portion of your stomach to prevent people from eating so much. I wonder if the surgeons watch cop shows to get in the mood, “Do you have anything in your pockets that can stick me? Do you have any drugs on your person? What did you think you were doing when you camped out on the freeway with a cooler full of beer and that deer rifle? And what’s up with the duck decoys?”

I can see "back alley stomach band doctors" who peddle white plastic disco pants belts that you wear tightly around your mid-section, with the instructions to never undo the buckle until you are down to your desired weight. Or, if they're charitable, they'll let you adjust it with the "holiday setting" for those big Thanksgiving and Christmas meals.

I’d rather get a Lapdance Band myself. Performed by a certified night club enthusiast (i.e., stripper), the dancer straps you and her together with a length of velcro for 15 minutes while she spasms around like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. And that counts as half of your recommended daily 30 minute workout.