HUNG JURORS

(This is how we, the jury summoned, felt after today.)

By all that’s holy, there has to be a better way.

Today’s Los Angeles Court Jury Summons was a hoot and half. It was like a root canal performed by a dentist who only has partial vision, a hook for one hand and an inverted tree stump for the other. It was like standing in front of 347 microwave ovens for eight hours to take an x-ray. It was like pulling a stretch city bus with a chain attached to a hook embedded in your abdomen. In other words, it was NO. FUN.

First you walk three blocks in the cold to get to the courthouse (downhill, so of course at the end of your excruciatingly long day it’s an UPHILL walk). Then you meet fucking Beavis and Butthead at the TSA-like checkpoint security. You know, the kind of people who couldn’t get REAL jobs as mall cops. WHY do these wand-waving assclowns ALWAYS have a fucking attitude? Yes, this job has to be done, but why does it have to be done by these particular fucktards?

Then you spend the day in one room that’s this close to meat locker cold. And I wore a t-shirt, long sleeve dress shirt. And I had a jacket. And it was still freezing. There’s only a handful of magazines or newspapers to read, and the two televisions only showed a brief “This is Downtown L.A.” – it was like being trapped in your refrigerator for most of the day. Next time I’m called I’m bringing my laptop and my mp2 player. Fuck the wand-wavers.

In the cafeteria, I had the most generic baloney wannabe club sandwich and iceberg lettuce salad ever. The only thing keeping me going was thinking about Eddie Izzard’s routine about “Jeff Vader” trying to get some penne arrabiata at the Death Star canteen, and getting hassled about his tray. At the end of the day, I felt like the Governator in Total Recall.

The whole experience was like being stuck at the airport, you’re just waiting for something to happen, your flight to come in or being called to panel a jury. Since it’s so much like being stuck at an airport – and just as much fun - why not HOLD COURT at airports. Airports already have the security checkpoints in place, plus all the seating, a crappy loudspeaker system and bad food. If you’re called you serve your jury time at a speedy trial, then fly on home. If you’re not called, you get on your plane as usual.

It can’t be any worse than the current system.



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