Thursday, August 6, 2009

Talk to the Conquering Hand

It's round three of the column that's sweeping the galaxy. Its...


Dear Qwarthak,

My wife recently found a stray cat in our backyard that had no tags. We both agreed we weren’t going to keep it for more than a week but it’s been over two weeks and my wife has become attached to it (she calls it her “baby”). I’m allergic to cats but I love my wife, so I’d like to see Kitty find another home – fast (my sinuses can’t stand much more). How do we do this without breaking my wife’s heart?

Signed, Unplanned Cat Sitter in Washington, DC

Dear Unplanned,

You should spay the cat with a high intensity radiation burst, such as you’d find in your average Junnqellion phase ray. Let Qwarthak get this straight: you are allergic to cats, yet your spousal unit has kept one in your shared domicle for over two earth weeks? By the Three Suns of Moozbakk, perhaps you should turn your Junnqellion phase ray ON YOUR WIFE. There, Qwarthak said it. You should restate to your wife that you agreed were only going to shelter the feline for one earth week while you tried to find its real mommy and daddy. (Qwarthak assumes you looked hard and came up spades in that department.) You did your best as animal lovers and good, concerned citizens of your world, but now you must turn the feline over to your local animal control officials and let them take it from here. The feline will thank you, your sinuses will thank you, your wife, after 3.7 days of continuous sobbing will thank you. Or you could just turn your Junnqellion phase ray on her (btw, that option is ALWAYS on the table).

Dear Qwarthak,

Are you as cute as you sound?

Signed, Hot and Ready in Macon, GA

Dear Hot and Ready,

Wouldn’t you like to know? (Do not make Qwarthak blush. The consequences would be deadly.)

The answer is cuter than a Fiizgelvian Moon Puppy (it’s the big eyes).

Dear Qwarthak,

What exactly have you "conquered?"

Signed, Curious in St. Louis, MO

Dear Curious,

What has Qwarthak conquered? Yo mama.

(Yes, Qwarthak went there. Qwarthak always goes there. And returns victorious.)

Dear Qwarthak,

I rent a house with three friends. We all split the rent and utilities, but we are supposed to each take care of our own food needs and respect the others’ foodstuffs. We all do, except for one roomie, who constantly uses the other roommates’ milk, soda, beer and even marked leftovers. This person promises to replace the items, and never do it again, but hardly ever replaces them and keeps doing it over and over. What can we do?

Signed, Starving but shouldn’t be in Flagstaff, AZ

Dear Starving,

…Are you s------- Qwarthak? You are s------- Qwarthak, are you not? Sunofa--

Qwarthak has your full address on your letter. Let Qwarthak check--- Yes, Qwarthak has it right here. Qwarthak will be over shortly, with a fully charged Evynndian Expunginator (this sucker rocks). Great Geysers of Glyntos V but this brings back BAD memories of Qwarthak’s post-college years. Qwarthak had this one roommate, B’unthos the Brawler, who did the exact same thing with Qwarthak's donut holes. To add insult to injury, B’unthos. Used. Qwarthak’s. Bath soap (Lever 2000, for Qwarthak’s 2000 parts). Fret none, Starving in Flagstaff, Qwarthak is out the door and headin’ over.

And what happened to B’unthos the Brawler, you ask? Let Qwarthak put it this way: Qwarthak was scrubbing the walls, floors and ceiling for MONTHS afterward (Qwarthak told you that Expunginator rocked).

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