Sunday, May 31, 2009

The auto parts are delivered by Pony Express

Why is it that all "ex-CIA hit men" (or ex-Special Forces soldiers and the like) end up having their car breakdown in little towns that look ideal, but which always end up having a crooked sheriff in league with the local "land-grabber?" (Don't they have CIA-AAA?)

If you guessed Malone (1987), starring the gum-cracking Burt Reynolds, was playing on THiS TV, you guessed right. Burt is the wounded in the soul ex-CIA dude. Reynolds' pal Charles Durning must have been unavailable to play the sheriff, so they got Kenneth McMillan to do his best Durning impression, and Cliff Robertson is playing the Ben Gazzara role from Road House as the land-grabber. Big Burt even stays with a local widowed businessman and takes a shine to his daughter, the always cute Cynthia Gibb. He never does anything. I blame the high wasted 80s jeans Cynthia wears - she's obviously a girl, but they make her look boyish, I mean what's the message they're sending there?

And "land-grabber?" What is this, 1887? Well, this is basically a modern western, with the our ex-Bandit playing an aging gunslinger-type come to the small town, the corrupt sheriff and the terrorizing big city land-grabber.

The similarly-themed Road House had much more fun playing off and with the western motifs. Malone is all deadly serious, which mades it deadly dull.

Geez, it's a sad, sad day when Road House is held up as an example of a better movie.


  1. I'll bet nobody's throat got torn out either...

  2. "I'll bet nobody's throat got torn out either."

    Burt Reynolds' mustache WOULDN'T allow it! :)

  3. If someone's throat did get torn out, Burt Reynolds could use that GUM he's always chewing to plug up the hole!