The G in "G-Force" Stands for Guano

G-Force (2009)

Ten minutes.

That's as far as I got through G-Force, the "Mission: Impossible with guinea pigs" movie from producer Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney.

Those ten minutes were filled with the most banal dialogue and limp pop culture references, courtesy of writers Cormac and Marianne Wibberley (with an apparent, and uncredited, assist from Pirates of the Caribbean scribes Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio). Wow, it took four well-paid people to write shit for kids. And I mean shit. for. kids. Very little kids. Of the diaper-wearing variety. Jesus H., but the average episode of the old Mr. Ed series was funnier than this garbage.

Those ten minutes were also filled with the little rodents using their tiny James Bond-inspired gear to infiltrate some wanna-be world conqueror's palatial estate. Spy Kids did the same kind of thing, but with infinitely more cleverness and fun - in both the gadgets and the script! And of course, as is the case with CGI creations the camera is constantly whizzing and zooming around. Fucking enough already! That added absolutely NOTHING to the story or characterizations. When will Hollywood get it through their thick skulls that 99% of these CGI-filled movies, especially critter features like this one, will be instantly forgotten by the public. Toy Story, which I just watched again on Saturday, stuck with solid characterizations, spot on voice work, a good story and it didn't go overboard with the CGI camera-work. Now, it's a modern classic, while G-Force will forever be confined to the $2.99 or less bin, alongside colorized Mexican wrestling films and Jazzercise videos by Judi Sheppard Missett.

Stand-up comic/actor Zach Galifianakis is utterly wasted as the guinea pigs human handler. WHY cast someone like the brilliant and bizarre Galifianakis only to simply neuter him in the movie? Why give him the Ken Berry role?

The guinea pigs are all voiced by big stars, including Nicholas Cage, Sam Rockwell, Penelope Cruz and Tracy Morgan. None of them does anything exceptional in their roles, save perhaps a nearly unrecognizable Cage nasally voicing the thick-specs-wearing star-nosed mole, Speckles. Morgan does a "family safe" version of his outsized personality (in real life and from 30 Rock), but it's so watered down as to be unfunny. Anyone remember Richard Pryor in Superman III? Same crap here.

Let's face it, this thing smells like something that pooped itself, died, and needs to be flushed down the toilet. ASAP.