The Pope as Movie Reviewer
Due to its pro-nature stance the Holy See views it as “neo-paganism” and believes it dangerous in that it turns “nature into a ‘new divinity.’”
Now that the Pope is in the movie review business, I think he should go whole hog. With that in mind I present: “Ebert and Pope Benedict XVI and The Movies.”
Here are some fun factoids gleaned from the first several episodes screened for reporters:
-They end their movie reviews with a Thumbs Up and a Papal Blessing, or a Thumbs Down and a Contemno ex Skeletorus (Condemn This Movie to Hell).
-The Pope, unlike Roger, claims to possess the ability of Filmitus Inerrantum or Movie Infallibility (in other words, his movie reviews are NEVER wrong).
-Roger Ebert has his “Great Movies,” the Pope has “Pontiff’s Picks.”
-When they review the occasional drive-in movie, Benedict insists they use the Popemobile as it has a bitchin' 7.1 sound system.
-The Pope's mitre doubles as a popcorn bucket.
-The Pope's staff can be used to yank noisy patrons from their seats.
-The Pope’s favorite movie snack is Holy Grail Gummis.
-The Pope sits squarely with Team Jacob.
-Roger Ebert is The Answer Man. Pope Benedict XVI is The Answer Man of the Almighty Eternal One Who is Most High (the Church loves its titles).
-When Pope Benedict gets up and walks across a row of seats to head to the restroom, his robes make absolutely no sound thanks to fine Italian silk from blessed worms.
-The Pope has been known to “heal” a broken film strip with a wave of his hand.
-The Pope hosts "Movies with a Mass" - a retrospective of films featuring the mass. (Not to be confused with "Movies and a Mass" on Sundays when you have a film preceding a mass.)
-In addition to the Popemobile, the “Pontiff of the Projector” has been known to arrive at movie premieres in the Popecycle, the Popeboat, the Popecopter and, occasionally, the Liturgical Limo.
-The Pope closes each show with, “That’s it for this week’s edition. Until next week, the Basilica is closed.”
-Jealous rivals refer to the show as the "one with the Pulitzer Prize Winner and the Old Guy with the Big Pointy Hat."
-Every summer, St. Peter's Basilica projects a Led Zeppelin Lazer Show. (This last one has nothing to do with movie reviews, His Holiness simply likes to rock it to Zeppelin – Stairway to Heaven, of course.)