That Band From Trek

We love Star Trek.  We love music.

If we were to front a kick-ass band what kind of Star Trek-inspired name could we use?  Here are some ideas:

The Band On The Edge Of Forever (classic rock n roll)

Merciful And Quick (lounge lizard music)

Schmitter and the Incinerators (punk)

The Landing Party (country/western)

Assault Vampires (rap rock)

Vina's Keepers (country)

Are You Archons? (New Wave)

The Van Gelders (folk)

Fizzbin On Tuesday (pop)

King Kodos (classic heavy metal)

Arne Darvin (like Nine Inch Nails weird younger brother)

Lazarus A (pop; we'd tour overseas as Lazarus B)

Khan Noonien Sings (a Neil Sedaka cover band)

Yang and The Comms (NPR-approved songs only)

The Harry Mudd Experience (like ELO, but not)

Horta & The Devils (southern rock)

Feeders of Vaal (3 chords is all)

Thrill Thralls (industrial rock)

Nomad and The Sterilizers (alt rock)

The Quatloos (a Bugaloos cover band)

M'Benga M'Benga (world music)

The M5s (electronic, like Daft Punk)

The Multitronic Units (an acoustic-only folk group, despite the name)

Janice Lester and The Intruders (like the Go Go's, but very unstable)

The Baand of Troyius (Euro-trash)

Doc Severin and the Herberts (plays whatever reaches the audience)

and our favorite,

Bela Oxmyx and The Mobsters (world's greatest bar band)

The Powers Of Number Four or I Am Matthew Star

So I'm sitting there watching the film I Am Number Four, a 2011 release about an alien kid with special powers and his guardian hiding out on earth from the evil forces from their home planet who are determined to wipe them out...hey, OMG, this is just a rehash of The Powers Of Matthew Star!

Check it, Matthew Star was a 1982 scif TV show about an alien kid with special powers and his guardian...heck, since this was the 80s, the opening credits of every episode TOLD THE WHOLE STORY.  Here they are, courtesy of Wikipedia:

"Quadris, twelve light years across the galaxy from Earth. It was home for us until an intergalactic armada conquered it. I fought by the royal family's side, but in vain. Even their remarkable powers weren't enough. The crown prince and I escaped to the nearest planet on which we could survive and further his powers in order to some day return to free his people.

"Here on Earth, the prince is known as Matthew Star. He's a typical American teenager. He has friends; people who love him. And me, his guardian. I'm the only one who knows how special he is. Life for us is a series of joys and dangers. Enemy assassins constantly come to destroy us. Alone, we must survive."

That's pretty much the plot of Number Four, minus the planet Quadris (giggle), and the fact that in this story there is more than one kid with the "power cosmic," as Stan Lee would put it.

Number Four annoyed me almost immediately in that the high school kids looked like they were in their 20s, which they mostly were (how very The CW of them).  Its funny how Hollywood is never able to find 16 or 17 year old actors to play 16 or 17 year old characters; it's always people in their mid-20s.

This movie just about put me to sleep right away.  Alex Pettyfer as the put upon Numero Quatro hardly registered as a screen presence (his pecs notwithstanding), Justified's Timothy Olyphant was miscast as Henri the guardian, aka the Louis Gossett Jr role on Matthew Star.  Much better was Teresa Palmer as Number Six who appears in the latter part of the film.  She's pretty, looks like she could be in high school, and had a fun kick-butt character, kind of like a well-adjusted Hit Girl.

The alien Mogadishu or Mogadorians or whatever looked stupid, with their tattooed bald heads, black eyes,  goofy teeth and Matrix trenchcoats - they resemble a Filmation cartoon's animated villain brought to live action life.

I Am Number Four is based on a Young Adult series of novels, but the juvenile tone of the move, the negative response from the critics and shallow box office would indicate that this is not the first film of the hoped-for franchise.

Maybe they could just reboot The Powers of Matthew Star for the big screen.  Or not.

Stuart Freeborn - Makeup Legend Passes

Ain't It Cool News is reporting that legendary genre make up master Stuart Freeborn has passed away.  He was 98 years old.

Mr. Freeborn worked on Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove and 2001: A Space Odyssey (his Dawn of Man hominid costumes still hold up today), Richard Donner's Superman: The Movie and, perhaps most notably, on George Lucas' original Star Wars Trilogy.

For Star Wars, Mr. Freeborn created the Chewbacca costume and crafted the Yoda puppet performed by Frank Oz which was first seen in The Empire Strikes Back.  When you look at a photo of Mr. Freeborn and Yoda, you can see how he put a good deal of himself into the diminutive Jedi Master's final form (and not just the visage of initial inspiration Albert Einstein).

Stuart Freeborn was a very quiet, gentle person, but one whose incredible imagination and skill helped to electrify our movie-going experiences.

Our condolences to Mr. Freeborn's family and friends.

Dark Shadows: A Pale Shadow Of Its TV Incarnation

Dark Shadows (2012)

Director Tim Burton and producer/star Johnny Depp decided to take on Dan Curtis' cult Gothic TV soap opera Dark Shadows and pretty much bore us to death.

Writer Seth Graeme-Smith's (famous for the novel Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) story has absolutely nothing original, or even interesting, to say. He also had way too many characters on his cinematic plate and did not write well for most of them.

In a familiar tale involving bloodsuckers, Depp's 18th vampire Barnabas Collins is let loose upon the 20th century (1972, to be exact) and he makes undead goo goo eyes at the Collins family's new governess, Victoria (Bella Heathcote), who just so happens to be the spitting image of Josette (also Heathcote) the woman he once loved back in the day.  This is supposed to be going on while Barnabas helps the remaining Collins family descendents, led by matriarch Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer), reclaim the Collins' family standing in their Maine fishing community.

I say "supposed to" because Graeme-Smith appears to have forgotten to write scenes showing Barnabas and Vicky together and falling in love again (unless Burton and his editors cut them all out).  You know, showing them doing something; spending time together and getting to know each other, rekindling the magic, or making new magic (the montage of rebuilding the Collins fishing biz does not count).  Since he doesn't, when it comes to that point in the movie where Barnabas declares his love for Victoria, we, the audience, cry out "Bullshit!"  Hey, if the movie-makers don't care, why the eff should we?  Also, for being a fish out of water tale, there aren't any quotable lines or truly memorable situations involving Barnabas as the 18th century gentleman in the groovy early 70s (Austin Powers had better and funnier scenes contrasting generation gaps).  There were, perhaps, opportunities, but nothing that sticks with you (Barnabas' fascination with teenager Carolyn's lava lamp just seemed like Depp acting silly, as if he was improvising that day).

This is a very minor effort from Burton.  Visually, it looks like someone trying to copy the style of a Tim Burton film, but it doesn't fully commit to the whimsy of an Edward Scissorhands or the Gothic creepiness of his Sleepy Hollow (featuring Johnny Depp without garish makeup!).   It feels a bit like Burton's Planet of the Apes, a workman-like effort where he was a director for hire there.  The tone was all over the place: dead serious at the beginning, morphing to Depp's silly/goofy manner and dialogue in the modern day scenes.  Also there was a suggested oral sex scene with Dr. Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter, in the Helena Bonham Carter role in a Tim Burton movie) and Barnabas that was totally out of place in this PG-13 movie.

The cast, which includes Chloe Moretz as trippy daughter Carolyn and Jackie Earle Haley as Willie the groundskeeper, is mostly fine, with Eva Green being the standout as forever-beautiful witch Angelique (its really her movie).  I think Depp's Barnabas would have been better played without the goofy pancake makeup and raccoon eyes (the heavy makeup, emphasizing the curves in Depp's face, makes him look like a little boy).  After all, original Barnabas Jonathan Frid did an outstanding job, and even became a sex symbol of sorts, without having to go to such lengths.  Someone needs to tell Depp that he doesn't always need to hide behind elaborate makeup and funny costumes when he plays in fantasy films (look at Alec Guinness in Star Wars).  Frid's plastered-to-his-forehead hair was all Depp needed.  The rest of the character should have been handled with, I dunno, ACTING.

Super(man) Photo

I found this over at MTV Geek (from Empire Online).  Henry Cavill certainly looks like he's made of steel.  I just wish they'd have kept the red underwear...and the "S" curl.

Man of Steel. In theaters June 14, 2013.  Please, in the name of Siegel and Shuster, please be an amazing movie.  We sure could use one.

Music For A Sci-Fi Friday

You like your sci-fi movies/TV shows.

You like your music videos.

Squish them together and you get stuff like Tom Petty's "You Got Lucky," featuring the great Sandman ground car from the short-lived Logan's Run TV show, dusty desert locations and stock footage from Galactica: 1980 (which was just footage from the disaster flick Earthquake combined with Cylon Raider spaceship blasting clips from Battlestar Galactica).

You also get Rick Springfield's  sci-fi headscratcher, "Bop Til You Drop."  Whose idea was it to pair the clean cut Springfield and his upbeat pop tune with a grungy, dystopic future setting, replete with decent miniature models (inspired by the movie Dune?), Metropolis-like slave workers, mutant makeup jobs and Rick's future-mullet?

I Love It When A Movie Comes Together

The A-Team (2010)

After years of development hell, the A-Team, the famed - some would say infamous - 1980's action/adventure/comedy TV series finally came to the big screen.  With it came all the gunfights, explosions, action set pieces and comedy bits for which the series was known (multiplied, like, 100 fold).  And that's more than okay by me.

If you watched pretty much any episode of the A-Team's five season TV run, you know the drill: a group of special forces soldiers are framed for a crime they did not commit, they escape and seek to clear their names.  And those names are legendary in the annals of TV action shows: Colonel "Hannibal" Smith, the A-Team's plan-loving leader (now assayed by Liam Neeson); super suave "Faceman" Peck (Bradley Cooper); the muscle and the mechanic B.A. Baracus (Quinton "Rampage" Jackson); and the always hospitalized but ready to slip away in moment's notice uber pilot H.M. Murdock (Sharlto Copley).

Just as in the TV show created by action/comedy vet Stephen J. Cannell and Frank Lupo, when the bullets fly and the explosives, well, explode, we don't see blood and body parts getting splattered all over the place; this isn't Black Hawk Down or Saving Private Ryan, and it never tries to be.  Director Joe Carnahan knows the movie, like its TV progenitor, is a live action cartoon.  That's not a condemnation, just a simple matter of fact; Carnahan never tries to turn it into Narc 2: The Fugitive Years.  

The A-Team is fondly remembered for its characters, and the film version doesn't simply offer us carbon copies but updated versions with the same traits.  Neeson is commanding as always, but can still have a twinkle in his eye just as OG Hannibal George Peppard did.  Cooper does suave and smooth like he was born to it.  Rampage Jackson was a big surprise for me.  No one can replace Mr. T. who came out of nowhere to mesmerize 80s audiences on the big screen in Rocky III as the unforgettable Clubber Lang, and then on the small screen as the loveable tough guy with the "Bad Attitude."  Jackson was  suitably imposing, but also has a knack for comedy.  I'd love to see Jackson and Dwanye (formerly The Rock) Johnson in a movie together.  The biggest surprise was District 9 star Sharlto Copley as the chatterbox Murdock.  I loved that Copley did a huge variety of accents and sort of throw away bits throughout the film.  Not all of it stuck (the whole "Attention passengers" bit during some aerial distress has kind of been done to death), but most of it did.  I loved a recurring joke about Murdock calming down BA by promising to make his favorite dish of coconut curry tapenade.  BA then inquires, "With toast points?"  Like you would serve the dish with anything else?

The main antagonist, a shady CIA dude played by Patrick Wilson, was also a lot of fun.  He was someone so cocksure of himself and his power that everything was just a silly game to him.  He wasn't aloof about it, like the more boring James Bond villains can be, but had a more "regular guy" attitude about himself (his Call of Duty reference was funny and revealing about the character too).  The real disappointment is Jessica Biel as a dogged Army investigator.  Pretty much any young actress could have played her part.  She brought absolutely nothing to the screen.  (This had always been a problem with the A-Team TV show - women were always victims, or things to be seduced by Face.)  I liked Biel in The Illusionist, but have never liked her in any other movie I've seen.  She's one of those actresses who is famous for being famous (and who she was dating), and not really for any standout acting performance.

The whole thing culminates in a huge fireball of action and explosions amid hundreds of shipping containers at the Los Angeles Port.  The A-Team is big, loud, often funny and a pretty good popcorn and big-ass soda movie.  It won't cure any diseases, or win any awards, but it sure made me forget about my head cold for two hours.  And that's a small miracle in and of itself.

Bad Movies Will Always Be Bad Movies

So I went next door to the library today as my neighborhood takeout joint prepared the large wonton soup that I ordered (best thing for the frakking cold I picked up on New Years Eve) and I nearly picked up the movie Green Lantern.

But then I came to my senses, because, you know, it was GREEN LANTERN.

Nothing about that movie will have improved since I last watched it, not the dull generic script, not the uninspired action and visual effects scenes, not the lousy cast.  Nuthin'.

Sometimes a head cold will make you do stoopid things.  Thank goodness that Emerald Turd was avoided tonight.

Rewind: The Eliminators Movie Review

Before we close out 2-aught-12, we rewind the blog back to February 13, 2010 and this look at the cult 80s Charles Band flick, The Eliminators!

A scientist, a ninja, and a Mandroid walk into a bar

Eliminators (1986)

Not a review, but more a stream of consciousness reaction. This is "Man with a Laptop Watches a Movie II."

“Empire Pictures Presents” – Yikes, that was Charles Band’s company and a sure sign that quality will not be a huge consideration.

Generic keyboard soundtrack right off the bat. There’s also a little blast of music when the Eliminators title flashes on screen, a true hallmark of 1980s cinema along with mullets and leg warmers.

“Peggy Mannix?” – Did Joe Mannix have a kid in between all his investigating and beating up thugs for Intertect?

Stock footage of a WWII era plane going down. The pilot is saying “may day, may day” but it sounds like “ribbit, ribbit.”

I didn’t realize Vasquez Rocks was colonized by Roman soldiers.

Now THIS is a fun (non-Casio keyboard) score that just kicked in, set to what looks like Charles Bands version of 2001’s slit scan photography.

“Help the Mandroid from the cage Takata.” How many times have we heard THAT before?

Mandroid looks like the love child of an old school Cylon and an HVAC surplus store.

Mad scientist Roy Dotrice as Reeves does his own electrolysis. But does he bill his insurance?

The Mandroid needs his “Mobile Unit?” Ohhh.

The Mandroid’s Mobile Unit kicks serious ass. It's got treads like a tank, that thing is amazing! Robocop needs to get him one a those for his new movie.

Why would the Mandroid EXIT Reeves' compound and THEN turn and scream out “Reeves!” How is he going to hear him?

Mandroid looks like he’s got a swamp cooler coming out of his back. That or a four-slice toaster.

This forest is filled with nothing but fog machines, spotlights and heartache.

DENISE CROSBY ALERT! Wait, she’s only 20-something and she’s a COLONEL? Of what?

Why does her buddy S.P.O.T. look almost exactly like V.I.N.CENT. from The Black Hole? Perhaps it has something to do with a purloined plastic model kit. And why does S.P.O.T. turn into an irritating ball of bouncing light?

Good thing Mandroid used the green sleep gas, like comics' Dr. Mid-Nite.

The Mandroid shops at Home Depot for all his black-tarp-as-coat needs.

That’s a lot of sparks, Mandroid better get MAACO.

First Mandroid, then Data, Denise Crosby must have a thing for cybermen.

“Seach Patrol and Operational Tactician.” Wait that spells….
Aww, little dude likes The Jetsons.

Andrew Prine is rockin’ that sleeveless army shirt. Not really. Dude’s spindly arms look like the average 10 year old kid’s legs.

Look out, it’s Rosie O’Donnell’s stunt double! Wearing plaid!

It’s “Rednecks on Mexican Waters!” Sounds like a new Disney ride.

Boat chases and explosions? Is this a Bond movie? No, not James Bond, Gomer Bond (his third cousin, twice removed).

Why is “Bayou Betty” boating around with a foppish French maitre d?

Little S.P.O.T. has a full Qwerty keyboard.

Why does Mandroid always sound like he has a mouth full of marbles and he’s speaking in slow motion? Even Stephen Hawking is easier to understand.

“Quo Vadis means “we kick ass”?” Must be a new translation.

This is a sci fi movie, so why all the unnecessary “Dukes of Hazzard on Water” stunts?

So that swamp cooler on Mandroid’s back is just some kind of mounting bracket for S.P.O.T?

All this tromping around over boulders and forest reminds me of Korg, 70,000 B.C. What?

Is this some kind of weird sci fi version of Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness,” with the long, slow boat trip up the river?

Mandroid and S.P.O.T. overboard! They’ll probably be swallowed by a giant anaconda or Jennifer Lopez (yes, that was redundant).

“John, oh my GAWD!” – suddenly Denise is Snooki from Jersey Shore.

It’s really nice to see old-fashioned hand drawn cell animated energy bolt things. (wipes away a tear)
Roy Dotrice really needs to learn to use a needle and thread better, because his facial scars are just getting nastier. (They look like one of those dotted line trails of Billy from Family Circus when he wanders to and fro.)

Mandy and S.P.O.T. walk and float, respectively, out of the water. Now S.P.O.T. is a big useless squirt gun (so much for the Super Soaker tie in).

CAVEMEN ARE ATTACKING DENISE CROSBY! And, wtf, Andrew Prine is somehow pulled underwater and captured in a giant homemade cage.

“Oh, hi, ninja” Mandroid doing a Tommy Wiseau impression to Kuji the Ninja as he ninja-squats near a fire.

I gotta ask: How many mad scientist’s Japanese assistants have ninja sons? I’m taking a poll for Gallup.

Since when do ninjas have mullets? That’s like number one on the ninja checklist: NO mullets.

I can’t tell if that’s a caveman or cavewoman. Since it’s got Betty White’s hairstyle I’m gonna go with cavewoman.

Ninja with nunchuks vs. cavepeople with spears. Care to wager on that outcome?

Mandroid’s feet have little boat motors in them? Was he built by Evinrude?

“We got robots, we got cave men, we got kung fu!” (Andrew Prine) – That should have been the tagline for the poster.

Mandroid hid his Mobile Unit by leaving it out in plain sight? Wile E. Coyote could have done a better job of hiding it.

LOOKOUT, IT’S MEGAFORCE MOTORCYCLE REJECTS! Their windshields are made of a kind of flyswatter-mesh material instead of plastic. That breaks so many automotive and mad scientist safety rules.

The Mobile Unit is toast! Because he tried to drive it up a boulder and it fell over? What an ignominious end.

The fat henchman who acts like a spazzy extra from The Fall Guy takes a tumble.

I can appreciate the fact these guys get into so much trouble, but I just wish any of it were the least bit interesting. It's like The Lord of the Rings: they're trying to get to a place to do a thing, and keep running into obstacles. But instead of orcs and Nazgul, the Eliminators run into fat guys, cavemen, and Mexican hench-hombres. It somehow lacks a certain zing.

Mandroid looks like he needs a cuddle with Denise Crosby. Heck, she once did it with Data, so we know she’s “into” machines.

S.P.O.T.’s back but the little iSHIT is possessed or something.

Strike the pose: Kuji the ninja is vogue-ing to avoid S.P.O.T.’s wee laser blasts.

Ninja sword to S.P.O.T.’s CPU! Go gently into that digital goodnight, sweet S.P.O.T.

They simply walk out of Backlit Forest right up to the mad scientist’s lair and no one notices.

You are shitting me! Kuji the ninja just JUMPED through the blades of a giant spinning fan. Is there nothing that a Supercuts' mullet won’t allow you to do?

Now they’re in Indiana Jones’ rumpus room with all the shiny idols and “fortune and glory.”

Roy Dotrice wants to go back in time and rule ancient Rome? “Hail Reeves” just doesn’t have the same ring as “Hail Caesar!”

This mad scientist has the worst dressed hench-people: it’s all faded denim and plaid and golf shirts. WHERE’S THE ONE PIECE SINGLE-COLORED DR. NO-APPROVED JUMPSUITS?

One well-thrown shuriken can sure mess up an ion disruptor cannon big time.

Does Roy Dotrice get paid for every time he utters the name “Mandroid?”

With his last Radio Shack transistor the Mandroid saves his friends. (sniff)

Reeve’s time machine looks like a giant prototype for a flux capacitor.

Andrew Prine just punched the mad scientist’s computer. Ah, the old days of vacuum tubes and do-it-yourself tech support.

Great Land of the Lost-type partial set and matte painting/miniature of the Silurian Era!

They freeze-frame on our heroes laughing at their victory a la Police Squad…and it’s over!

Eliminators was written by Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo, one of their first efforts for producer Charles Band. They went on to write, produce or direct such genre gems as The Flash tv show, The Rocketeer and The Sentinel. You can tell they were influenced by comic books, Star Wars and Steven Spielberg movies with the whole "lovable scoundrel teams up with a Ninja, a beautiful scientist, and a Cyborg" angle. But they simply didn't have a budget to do this justice. Three quarters of the movie seems to be the river boat trip and stomping around in the woods. It fills time but it's not a whole lot of fun. Of course if you had better actors, it might have been a different story.

Denise Crosby is all over the place; at times she's fine, then other times she gives a line delivery that makes you cringe. Roy Dotrice should have been in charge of set demolition with all the scenery he got to chew at the end as Reeves 2.0 the Superbot. Top-billed Andrew Prine acts like he's in an episode of a typical 80s tv show, like Dynasty or Hart to Hart; he's serviceable at best. And Patrick Reynolds as John the Mandroid had the hardest part in the movie, walking around in what must have been a very hot and confining costume. His performance was very wooden at the start (a mistake so many people playing androids or cyborgs seem to make), but he loosened up toward the end, only to have his character buy the digital farm. The less said about R2-D2-by-way-of-V.I.N.CENT. rip-off S.P.O.T. the better (for comic relief why do they always go with Smuf-cute instead of Bandit from Jonny Quest cute). As I said above, the Heart of Darkness parallel is quite evident, but it's also evident director Peter Manoogian just didn't have the inventiveness or creativity to do anything with it.

I would kill for an R/C miniature of the Mandroid and his Mobile Unit (you could probably cannibalize one of those Robocop figures to start with). Come on prop and model makers, get on that !!

Eliminators poster image Copyright its Respective Rights Holder. No infringement of those rights is intended with this review.

HAPPY HOLIDAZE EVERYONE!

STAR TREK is a Registered Trademark and Copyright 2012 by CBS Studios, Inc. No infringement of those rights is intended with this parody.  Screencap from TREKCORE.COM.Ikea Monkey still as stylish as ever.

Rewind: The Pope As Movie Reviewer

Pope Benedict was in the news recently and it made me think of this BNFOS post from January 13, 2010.

The Pope as Movie Reviewer 

According to this article brought to my attention by Friend of the Blog JW, the Vatican is weighing in on James Cameron’s billion dollar grossing film Avatar.

Due to its pro-nature stance the Holy See views it as “neo-paganism” and believes it dangerous in that it turns “nature into a ‘new divinity.’”

Now that the Pope is in the movie review business, I think he should go whole hog. With that in mind I present: “Ebert and Pope Benedict XVI and The Movies.”

Here are some fun factoids gleaned from the first several episodes screened for reporters:

-They end their movie reviews with a Thumbs Up and a Papal Blessing, or a Thumbs Down and a Contemno ex Skeletorus (Condemn This Movie to Hell).

-The Pope, unlike Roger, claims to possess the ability of Filmitus Inerrantum or Movie Infallibility (in other words, his movie reviews are NEVER wrong).

-Roger Ebert has his “Great Movies,” the Pope has “Pontiff’s Picks.”

-When they review the occasional drive-in movie, Benedict insists they use the Popemobile as it has a bitchin' 7.1 sound system.

-The Pope's mitre doubles as a popcorn bucket.

-The Pope's staff can be used to yank noisy patrons from their seats.

-The Pope’s favorite movie snack is Holy Grail Gummis.

-The Pope sits squarely with Team Jacob.

-Roger Ebert is The Answer Man. Pope Benedict XVI is The Answer Man of the Almighty Eternal One Who is Most High (the Church loves its titles).

-When Pope Benedict gets up and walks across a row of seats to head to the restroom, his robes make absolutely no sound thanks to fine Italian silk from blessed worms.

-The Pope has been known to “heal” a broken film strip with a wave of his hand.

-The Pope hosts "Movies with a Mass" - a retrospective of films featuring the mass. (Not to be confused with "Movies and a Mass" on Sundays when you have a film preceding a mass.)

-In addition to the Popemobile, the “Pontiff of the Projector” has been known to arrive at movie premieres in the Popecycle, the Popeboat, the Popecopter and, occasionally, the Liturgical Limo.

-The Pope closes each show with, “That’s it for this week’s edition. Until next week, the Basilica is closed.”

-Jealous rivals refer to the show as the "one with the Pulitzer Prize Winner and the Old Guy with the Big Pointy Hat."

-Every summer, St. Peter's Basilica projects a Led Zeppelin Lazer Show. (This last one has nothing to do with movie reviews, His Holiness simply likes to rock it to Zeppelin – Stairway to Heaven, of course.)

Ikea Monkey To Make Film Debut

Sources who must remain anonymous have confirmed to this reporter that the world famous "Ikea Monkey" will be appearing in the upcoming, eagerly-anticipated film Star Trek Into Darkness.

The following screen grab confirms that Ikea Monkey has been updated, slightly, for the movie.  The good news is his impeccable fashion sense appears to make it intact to the 23rd century.

STAR TREK is a Registered Trademark and Copyright 2012 by CBS Studios, Inc. No infringement of those rights is intended with this parody.  Screencap from TREKCORE.COM.

Chuck Norris vs Frankenstein!

Quick, what's the name of the only horror movie that chop-socky legend Chuck Norris has ever done?

If you answered Silent Rage, then you were correct.  You were probably also one of the other nine people in the theater to see this horror/scifi turkey upon its release (some might say "escape") in 1982.

In it Big Chuck plays a small town sheriff (is there any other kind in movies - Arnold Schwarzenegger also plays a small town sheriff in his first flick since leaving the Governator role behind), who runs into some tall gangly weirdo killer who is shot fulla lead, and then while knockin' on death's door, subsequently experimented on by a couple of weirdo CSI/scientist types who basically turn him into an unstoppable (read, unkillable) zombie killing machine. 

Chuck don't take too kindly to unstoppable low-rent Terminator-types killing up his small town, so his boots get a good workout, what with about 175 spin kicks in the movie.

Why did Chuck Norris do a horror movie, you ax (get it - horror movie - ax)?  Well, this was a Chuck-before-the-beard flick, so we can forgive him for this lapse in judgment/good taste/grooming just once.

Here's the trailer for this nonsense.

U.F.O. T.H.E.M.E.

Do you remember a tv series called UFO?  It was produced by the great Gerry Anderson of Thunderbirds and Space: 1999 fame.

UFO followed the adventures of the secret organization called S.H.A.D.O. (ten quatloos if you can recall what that acronym stands for) as it monitored and defended earth from alien attackers.

UFO featured nifty future fashions, and tons of cool miniature effects courtesy of the late, great Derek Meddings and modelmaker extraordinare Martin Bower.  There was the Moonbase and their Interceptor spacecraft (they look a bit like early versions of BSG's Viper fighters), the orbiting S.I.D. (Space Intruder Detector), the mighty Mobiles and lest we forget, the incredible SkyDiver submarine with detachable Sky 1 fighter.

Oh, this shit rocked.

UFO also had one of the snazziest theme songs out there, composed by Barry Gray.  So put on your go-go boots (and purple wigs) and lets go hunt aliens.  I'll fire up the Interceptors.

Trekking Into Darkness

After for-freaking-ever it seemed, we finally have some new stuff regarding the 2013 Star Trek Into Darkness film.

Namely a poster that looks like it rips off The Dark Knight Rises, which isn't such a bad thing except that TDKR just came out this summer!  (poster from Collider.com)

And more that just the poster, we have a pair of teaser trailers uploaded to YouTube, one for North Am auds:

And a Japanese version with some interesting extra footage at the end:

The teasers don't really hint at much of a story - they are just teasers, after all, but they definitely have me interested.  When STID comes out in May it will have been four long years since they relaunched the franchise with 2009's Star Trek.  See you opening weekend.

When Classic TV Shows Collide

Ain't It Cool News correspondent Quint has posted a really cool photo in his ongoing Behind The Scenes feature.

This time around the space time continuum was seriously messed with because a comic book icon meets a couple of scifi TV stars.  We're talking none other than Batman's Robin the Boy Wonder (Burt Ward) and Lost In Space's Will and Penny Robinson (Billy Mumy and Angela Cartwright).

It's truly awesome that all three are in their costumes (too bad the Batmobile and the Robot aren't also in the shot).  It's also funny that they are obviously on some studio backlot as there is a building behind them but a giant boulder is on the street in the shot with them.

Hollywood magic at its best. (from AintItCool.com)

Incredible Star Trek TOS Artwork

Animator and artist extraordinaire Dusty Abell has uploaded a Star Trek: TOS poster to his Deviant Art page that is nothing short of phenomenal.

The idea according to Abell was to feature some element from each of the original 79 episodes of Star Trek: The Original Series.  There's simply so much to love about this piece: the Enterprise has never looked better, the likenesses of the actors/characters - while being caricatures - is amazing, the setting itself (check out the Triskelion flooring!).  Also, Abell stated he put Lazarus on top of Vaal figuring he'd be falling off something sooner or later.  Priceless.

A poster seems too small for this artwork.  I wish I had a projector to shine this image up on a wall to stare at it all day!  (originally found on the John Byrne Forum)

Tolkien To Trek

It was just announced that if you go to see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey in IMAX when it opens in December as a treat you will also get to see the first nine minutes of next summer's Star Trek Into Darkness.

Just as Christopher Nolan did with the last two Dark Knight films and Brad Bird did with Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol, Star Trek director JJ Abrams lensed his new film's major action scenes in the ginormous IMAX format.

It will be four years since the ST reboot/reimagining/rejiggering when the full movie finally bows in May, and the hype sure to come from the IMAX sneak peeks will get those dilithium crystals glowing white hot, which can only be a good thing.  (from The Wrap.com)

Even Zombies Have A Heart

The instant classic Shaun of the Dead was advertised as a Rom-Zom-Com, ("Romantic Zombie Comedy").  The titular character had to go through the normal travails of a romantic comedy to save his sweetie during a zombie outbreak.

Warm Bodies is a new film from Jonathan Levine, the director of a great little movie called 50/50 (the comedy where Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character finds out he has cancer).  Unlike Shaun this is a true Rom-Zom-Com - a zombie actually falls in love with a human!

The zombie is played by talented Nicholas Hoult (last seen by me as Beast in X-Men: First Class; Hoult also did great work in About A Boy), and the girl is played by the lovely Teresa Palmer.

The first trailer for Warm Bodies is here, and it looks very promising. (Trailer found at Collider.com)

First Trailer for World War Z

World War Z. It was a best-selling book chronicling the aftermath of a worldwide zombie war.  Now it's a movie starring Brad Pitt and directed by Marc (Monster's Ball, Quantum of Solace) Forster.

This first trailer for World War Z looks...interesting.  For years we had the slow, shambling zombies popularized by George A. Romero's trilogy of Dead films, and continued in the current Walking Dead TV series.  After Danny Boyle's terrific 28 Days Later and Zack Snyder's remake of Dawn of the Dead, we also have the fast moving zombies.  Forster now gives us a third wrinkle, the zombie swarm: like a horde of ants or school of fish, with hundreds, even thousands, of zombies moving extremely fast.  (What's next, parkour zombies?)

I wonder if this is going to be a problem with the movie, as the human eye can quickly detect when something is not right with another human figure, which is a huge issue with CGI people in movies today.  CGI figures often come off as creepy, as in the Polar Express or Beowulf, or the too-quick movements of Spidey in the first Spider-Man film reading as false.

Another big issue is that the movie, at least from the trailer, does not appear to follow the novel.  The book was a thoughtful series of anecdotes that painted a picture of the devastating worldwide zombie epidemic done ten years after the war ended. The movie looks to be Brad Pitt Vs. The Zombies (and that's a title that would read better if it were Bruce Campbell Vs.The Zombies).

Guess we'll find out next summer.  (from IndieWire.com's The Playlist blog)

A KISS (Concert) Is Still A KISS (Concert)

STAR TREK is a Registered Trademark and Copyright 2012 by CBS Studios Inc. No infringement of those rights is intended with this parody. Screencaps from Trekcore.com.

Mickey Mousea, Meesa Am Your Papa!

Holy F------ S---!

The Force was certainly strong for the Walt Disney Company as they just bought Lucasfilm Ltd from George Lucas for $4.05 Billion (from The Hollywood Reporter.com).  The Mouse House now owns not only Star Wars but Indiana Jones as well.

This news is shocking.  Just shocking.  I don't know how to feel about it.  What do we have to look forward to, new shorts with Mickey Mouse AND Jar Jar Binks?

Star Wars is a huge part of my scifi DNA.  Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back are PERFECT movies.  You can have your Ewoks and your Jar Jar and your Prequels.

Disney says to expect a NEW Star Wars movie in three years. One suggestion: get Steven Spielberg to direct it.

Noah Puts His Flood Pants On

Seriously, were pants even invented in the time of Noah (of the Ark fame).  The pic is from Collider.com.

Is this Darren Aronofsky film, "Noah," a futuristic "biblepunk" version of the Flood myth?

"The Most Interesting Man In The World" Was In Star Trek

One of my favorite commercials of the last several years has been Dos Equis' "Most Interesting Man In The World" series.

The commercials feature a distinguished looking man in his 70s, always smartly dressed, and always surrounded by beautiful young women and excited people.  The narrator lists his many accomplishments, feats and achievements, such as "he is the only man to ace a Rorschach test," "his legend precedes him the way lightning precedes thunder," "if he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there," and "he once punched a magician...that's right, you heard me."

The man is actually actor Jonathan Goldsmith, and blog io9.com points out that Goldsmith appeared in Star Trek: The Original Series, in the episode"The Corbomite Maneuver."

Knowing the Most Interesting Man In The World appeared on the Most Interesting SciFi Show In The World, we humbly offer the following:

His beard can make the Vulcan hand salute.

His personal magnetism is often mistaken for a tractor beam.

Capt. Kirk got to be the ladies man he is by reading merely the index of his little black book.

He can speak Klingon in Romulan.

His phaser is set to "stunning."

His beard always transports ahead of him, just in case there's trouble.

His wink has been known to stun a charging Gorn.

He can recharge dilithium crystals with just his smile.

The galactic library Memory Alpha calls him for fact-checking.

His beard is worshipped by Tribbles.

His hailing frequencies are always open...for adventure!

He is...The Most Interesting Man In The Star Trek World.  

"Stay Trekkie, my friends."

Bill and Ted's Not-At-All-Excellent Cyber Adventure

Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

This was an incredibly dull movie. And a stoopid one, at that; Johnny Moronic some have called it.

Keanu Reeves plays our hero, data courier Johnny who smuggles information in his noggin in the world of 2021.  He dumped a chunk of memory (e.g. his childhood) to enable the illegal extra data storage capacity in his melon.  Reeves has to get the info downloaded before his head explodes or the audience loses its patience with the movie.

Reeves is in full Bill and Ted mode in this flick; his expressions have that blank deer-in-headlights feel.  All that was missing was Alex Winter as his traveling buddy and Reeve's trademark phrase, "Whoa!"

Reeves has to get the data from exotic Beijing (Panda Express looks more exotic than the film's production design of China) to Newark, New Jersey.  When did Newark become an important destination in cyberspace or real life for that matter?

This is a Bad Movie, through and through. The casting across the board was goofy: Ice T in a fright wig as a resistance fighter, weird Udo Kier as another weird Udo Kier character, Dolph Lundgren - seemingly on some bad mescaline - as a strung out street preacher/assassin?  To top it all, the actor playing the chief Yakuza assassin had eyebrows that were at least one inch thick!  It was so distracting, like watching an Asian Groucho Marx.

The resistance fighters, or Lo-Teks (get it, "low tech?") are HQ'd underneath an old bridge.  I didn't say below an old bridge, which would make sense if you want to keep out of sight of the cops and the corporations out to press delete on your ass.  No, this dumb movie puts the Lo-Tek's hideout UNDERNEATH a bridge: they networked together old containers and other scraps of metal and junk, and viola, it's the Hilton 2021.  Except you'd have to use cranes to get that shit up underneath the bridge and weld it all together.  How the hell did they hide all that from prying eyes?

Of course the Lo-Teks like to drop flaming cars (hey, "car bombs," everyone!) from the bridge onto trespassers below.  This once again raises the question of how you get old cars UNDERNEATH a bridge to be able to bomb unsuspecting snoops.  I imagine this image was the thing that led them to create the Lo-Tek's silly headquarters in the first place.

This movie looks and plays like an extremely cheap knockoff of the Max Headroom TV show, but instead of that show's inventiveness, creativity and smart satire, we got a B-movie plot, embarrassing cyber-tech double talk, cliched scifi punk fashions, a generic soundtrack, dull fight scenes, and a finale in one of Roger Ebert's trademarked "Steam and Flame Factory" settings.

And the scenes "in" cyberspace itself (one where Reeves is gloved up and helmeted to do, what, make a couple phone calls?) simply looked like someone's CGI effects reel after watching Tron.

Read an old issue of Omni magazine for a better, more exciting, and stimulating use of an hour and a half.

Comic Book Movie Casting, Meteors and More

WhatCulture.com has a new piece up about unusual, or oddball, casting choices for comic book movies. Michael Keaton's casting as Batman was likely the first oddball casting for a comic book movie that really worked; the most recent may be Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man.  Let's keep that up, Hollywood.  We need more of that kind of "out of the box" (though that's such an overused phrase) stuff and less of the Nick Cage as Ghost Rider or Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern business.

In sadder news, noted director of photography Harris Savides passed away recently.  Mr. Savides worked with directors as varied as Sofia Coppola, Ridley Scott and David Fincher; his work on the period thriller "Zodiac" for Fincher was especially notable.  Indiewire.com's The Playlist takes a look at his amazing work.

To end the week on a high note, Space: 1970 has a post up with the press kit photos from the scifi disaster pic "Meteor," starring none other than James Bond himself, Sean Connery, the late Natalie Wood and some really bad special effects (the space platform with the missiles looks about two feet long and made from cheap plastic - which it probably was!).

I watched the first 15 minutes of "Meteor" not too long ago, and all I remember was that Connery wore an overcoat that was this thick, massive, leather number that looked to have been made from an entire cow (see the first pic in that post).  That and he brought the thing with him into every scene he was in.  (Connery was a millionaire by the time this movie was made, so maybe he told the producers, "I don't need any money, but I would like a really nice warm coat for those Scottish nights I could keep afterward.").  To stop the meteor they should have just thrown Connery's coat over it.

A Turkish Movie and A Gimp Walk Into a Target Store

I came upon these two bits while perusing Gawker.com this a.m.

One is that my favorite department store Target is setting a "Gimp" costume from American Horror Story.  I'd recommend trying this one on in the story before purchasing it.  Maybe walk around a bit to see how it feels.

The second bit is from our Turkish filmmaking friends (or should that be "fiends?"), with the "Worst Movie Death Scene."  Some chick is shooting some dude sporting what I call a "split-level" mustache.

Firefly Anniversary

Firefly - the amazing "space western" series created by Joss Whedon - first aired on September 20, 2002.

Whichever idiot in charge of the Fox Network at that time axed the series after airing just 11 episodes.  They even ran the episodes out of order (plus, they didn't bother to air the pilot until just as the show was canceled).

I grew up on re-runs of Star Trek: TOS, so that is my favorite tv show.  Firefly is a close second.

Series executive producer Tim Minear shares some memories of the final moments of production in this piece from MTV's Splashpage.

Gornam Style

Screencaps from Trekcore. Star Trek is Copyright 2012 and a Registered Trademark of CBS Studios, Inc. No infringement of those rights is intended with this parody.

Little-seen 1980s Series to Transform Into Little-seen Feature Film

Okay, who the frak is responsible for this?

Is it you?

Manimal is coming back from the dead. (This according to io9.com.)  That's right that little seen Glen A. Larson "gem" from the early 80s is apparently being brought out of mothballs - or in this case, the taxidermist - to star in a feature film.  And instead of Stan Winston's man-to-animal makeup transformations, we will get CGI morphing instead. Whoopee.

Here is the premise of the show: "a wealthy doctor with a mysterious past, who morphed into animals in order to help the police fight crime."

If Ben Stiller is tapped for the lead, I am so there.